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Single man with own toilet roll seeks fun loving lady with hand sanitiser for good clean fun.

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No, I'm not going to go down! Today we walked already 20 times. Leave me alone!

walk_dog.jpg

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The UK government is hiring all the football (soccer) medics they can.

They reckon as these medics, who can make a life-threatening crippling injury on the sports field disappear in a few minutes, might come up with an antidote for this virus inside a few hours

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1 hour ago, fredk said:

The UK government is hiring all the football (soccer) medics they can.

They reckon as these medics, who can make a life-threatening crippling injury on the sports field disappear in a few minutes, might come up with an antidote for this virus inside a few hours

Oh yes those magic sponges of days gone by.

 

JCUK

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On March 27, 2020 at 12:43 PM, fredk said:

The UK government is hiring all the football (soccer) medics they can.

They reckon as these medics, who can make a life-threatening crippling injury on the sports field disappear in a few minutes, might come up with an antidote for this virus inside a few hours

The wife and I are huge soccer fans.  I coached, we both played.  She died laughing over that!  How true!  Thanks for the laugh.

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Here, the egotistical Parisians who fled Paris , ( bringing their virus with them to contaminate us and when they fall ill to then fill up our scarce intensive care unit beds in our under-ressourced local hospitals )  for a holiday in their second homes on the coast on the 1st day of lockdown ( and who are still arriving despite lockdown )..Just let their children run loose in the local supermarkets ( thereby making it impossible to keep a safe distance ) when they venture out for their food..Food which is ever more scarce, as supermarkets , and their supply lines, are not set up for a doubling of the "local" population outside of tourist season..I'll laugh ( if I and my family are still alive ) when the Parisians are gone.

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I've increased my eating of raw onions and garlic to keep me from getting C-19

I know they won't actually kill the virus but it'll stop anyone getting too close to me. :lol:

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Huh! Football's been cancelled, so I spent yesterday afternoon talking with my wife

She seems quite a nice person, really

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One hundred and two things to do when in 'lock-down'


1.Try to find yourself on Google Earth

2. Check whats happening on Leatherworker.net
3. Tighten the screws on your saucepan handles
4. Organise your computer desktop so it’s all neat and tidy and you no longer know where anything is
5. Clean the kitchen
6. Rank every crisp (chips) flavour in your cupboard in order from best to worst
7. Read all the 'best before dates' on everything in your cupboards
8. Use the nutritional information on your canned goods as a makeshift version of top trumps
9. Watch a marble race on Youtube
10. Decide you’re going to have your own marble race
11. Realise you don’t own any marbles
12. Put your marble-based dreams on the backburner for now

13. Clean the kitchen again
14. Watch a years worth of Netflix in an afternoon
15. Avoid eye contact with all the books you own but have never read
16. Rank every biscuit in order from best to least liked
17. Resist the urge to cut your own hair
18. Figure out what your three wishes would be, in case you ever come into possession of a magic lamp, fish, or monkey paw
19. Learn your debit card number off by heart like a Jedi or something
20. Clean the kitchen for a third time
21. Play Scrabble
2. Pull out a Q and no Us

23. Argue about whether “Qi” is a word
24. Put Scrabble away
25. Spend fifteen minutes looking at pictures of quokkas on the internet
26. Decide you’re going to have an early night
27. Spend two hours in bed on your phone
28. Go to sleep
29. Wake up an hour later
30. Decide you’re going to have a productive day
31. Spend two hours in bed on your phone
32. Have a sitdown shower because you’re an adult and you can do what you want
33. Use a 48-pack of Weetabix as a makeshift Jenga set
34. Spend fifteen minutes hoovering up crumbs of wheat
35. Research who would win in a race between a zebra and an ostrich
36. Check the news on-line
37. Quickly close the news
38. Give the kitchen a once over
39. Brush up on either the history of the Roman Empire, or the history of tomato ketchup, depending on what sort of a mood you’re in
40. Check out whats happening on Leatherworker.net
41. Research home workouts
42. Instantly feel exhausted
43. Call your parents
44. Call your best friends parents, see how they’re getting on

45. Call anyone else you know even remotely to see how they're getting on
46. Read a load of the old 'How do I. . . ?' on Leatherworker.net
47. You know what, that quick once over really wasn’t enough, give the kitchen a proper clean
48. Look around your kitchen and decide which of your friends would be what household appliances
49. Ponder who invented the coat hanger
50. Learn to spell onomatopoeia

51. Find out what onomatopoeia means

52. Work out how you can fit the word onomatopoeia into an everyday conversation
53. Play Rock Paper Scissors over Skype, first to 500 wins
54. Browse through all the forum areas of Leatherworker.net
55. Attempt to clean your oven
56. Realise you’re in way over your head here
57. Have a picnic in your lounge
58. Try Scrabble again
59. Pull out a Q and no Us again

60. Decide Scrabble can self-isolate in the back of the cupboard again

61. Sort your ready-rivets into sizes

62. Count your ready-rivets

63. Re-arrange your bottles of dye into alphabetical order

64. Work out how much dark brown thread you have left, to the nearest inch
65. Give your kitchen a deep clean
66. See what’s happening on Leatherworker.net
67. Research how to tan skin from a porcupine
68. Research how to make sourdough
69. Decide that quarantine or no quarantine, you do not have the time or patience to make sourdough
70. Tidy up all the tangled cables behind your TV
71. Put on your shoes, just to remember how it feels
72. Go through your phone contacts and guess whether each person keeps their ketchup in the fridge or cupboard
73. Try to figure out how many seconds you’ve been alive for, without using a calculator
74. Choose which knife, gouge or wing-dividers is your favourite
75. Give names to your favourite tools
76. Sort out the paper and card patterns in that box in the corner
77. Think about doing the ironing
78. Decide against doing the ironing
79. Decide to have some ice cream
80. Check your freezer - no ice cream
81. Decide to have a Coke Float (aka a 'Black Cow')
82. Check your freezer - still no ice cream
83. Debate whether going to the shops for ice cream counts as “essential travel”
84. Reluctantly accept that it definitely doesn’t
85. Check your freezer again - just in case
86. Research how to do that magic trick where you whip the tablecloth out from under everything
87. Attempt that magic trick
88. Spend fifteen minutes cleaning up broken glass
89. Make some sketches of the pattern for that bag you promised to make Auntie Mo for her birthday 6 years ago
90. Clean your kitchen, but this really is the last time now
91. Casually check your freezer again, on the off chance the contents has changed and you have ice cream
92. Watch a Youtube tutorial on folding fitted sheets
93. Try to fold a fitted sheet
94. Fail
95. Decide that if you’ve made it this far without learning to fold fitted sheets, your fitted sheets can jolly well go unfolded
96. Read a needlessly long Facebook post because you’ve got nothing better to do
97. Start dusting your skirting boards
98. Read the user guides on all the bottles in your leather working room
99. Realise you haven’t cleaned the kitchen in a while
100. Clean the kitchen

101. Read silly things like this

102. Make up your own silly lists for others to read

 

PS. Sorry, when I copied and pasted from my word document it got some odd breaks between the numbers


 

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Read up on how the invisible formatting in word screws up copying and pasting into web pages..

Then again..life may be too short for that..

You can also make what is called a black cow with Guinness ..I used to have them when I was a child and we went over the river to go shopping in New Ross..

I'd sit and read comics ( from a fantastic shop that sold them and would let you swap them too ) whilst I drank / ate mine. :)

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All this probably started with an office worker who had the Monkey's Paw wished he/she didn't have to commute to work

Its times like these that you realise what your your real friends are made of.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Meat mostly

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There have been a lot of funny memes posted about the COVID crisis. Here's a few of the better ones!

 

crochet and self isolation.jpg

TP under kilt.jpg

rolls called up yonder.jpg

Irish and coronavirus.jpg

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I'll go with #s 2, 40, 66, and 101 B)

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Since everybody has now started washing their hands, the peanuts at the bar have lost their taste.

They said that a mask and gloves were enough to go to the supermarket. They lied, everyone else has clothes on.

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A Gene Pitney tribute singer died. 

His widow was arranging his funeral details.

'Can I have casket in teak? she asks

'No, we can't get teak imported with this virus going round. It'll be 9 months at least till we can get any teak'

'Mahagony?' she asks,

'Nope, 6 months at least, due to shortage of teak'

'Oak?'

'No, not for about 4 months, great demand on oak right now'

'Well, what about pine?' she asks

'Not pine either, 3 month waiting list. The government has bought it all up'

'What then?' she asks in desperation

'Well' says the undertaker 'I reckon we can make a casket in 24 hours from balsa'

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Wrong Number

(((RING))))

Pick Up**

Hello
Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul "

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
Paul"

Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"
Brief Pause ***

Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on
the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to
Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"

"Okay Daddy, just a minute"

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did
it Daddy"

And what happened honey?" he asked

Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and
ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on
the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

O my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul ?"

He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared
and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool.
But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to
clean it, he hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

Long Pause***

Longer Pause**

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??...Is this 486 - 5731

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Day 24 of Self Isolation:

Today I struck up a conversation with a spider.  He seems a nice guy.

He's a web designer.

 

In Starbucks;

Customer: Why are you wearing a surgical mask?

Barista: I'm not. It's a coughy filter.

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Back Hills Birth............Deep in the back woods, of Letcher County Kentucky a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing." 

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there", said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think there's another one coming." 

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" Said the doctor. 

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby. "No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor. 

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, 

"You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?"

 

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There is no medical evidence that eating chocolate will help prevent you getting Covid 19

However, there is no medical evidence that it won't help.

Enjoy your chocolate Easter Eggs with a clear conscious and in the knowledge that you might be aiding medical research 

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fredk, yours was the best for me, by far. Those people really are miracle workers, would solve the covid crisis in no time! :lol:

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Day 23 of lockdown

Mavis is knitting something special for her husband Bill

zzz, rope necklace.jpg

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On 4/14/2020 at 12:06 PM, billybopp said:

LOL @fredk

826129699_CovidAA.jpg.e86b0858e1640264390b263930d71137.jpg

Yes, thanks to the introduction of recycling we are now able to monitor both the quantity and quality of our neighbour's booze intake

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