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Due to the cancelling of sporting events, the world origami championships are now being broadcast on T.V.

It's on Paperview.

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Now that a tiger has tested positive for Covid-19, the government is recommending that you keep a social distance of 2 metres from all tigers.

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1 hour ago, fredk said:

Now that a tiger has tested positive for Covid-19, the government is recommending that you keep a social distance of 2 metres from all tigers.

I think I'd rather keep a distance of 2 kilometres from a tiger, whether it had Covid-19 or not

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I should know about tiger distancing.   A couple of years ago, we went to the zoo - and one of the tigers there was just pacing back and forth in his enclosure as we watched.   I guess he decided that we needed to be marked and surprised us by spraying piss a good ten feet on us.  I guess we should have gone for the full 2 meters separation!  My coffee tasted funny after that.

- Bill

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On 4/11/2020 at 11:29 AM, AwlShucks said:

Back Hills Birth............Deep in the back woods, of Letcher County Kentucky a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing." 

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there", said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think there's another one coming." 

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" Said the doctor. 

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby. "No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor. 

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, 

"You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?"

 

Reminds me or the time when I tool my little Westie to the vet. She was ten days overdue and I thought she must've missed. Then she started shaking and I was worried she might have a dead one inside so I took her straight to the vets. They took an xray and called me in. There was a Spanish vet and an English trainee. The vet said "It's good news, there's one live puppy in there". She put up the xray to show this one rather large puppy in her belly (well she'd eaten all the pies hadn't she). I said with a straight face "Has that puppy eaten all the other pupies?".  The Spanish vet, with eyse like saucers thought I was serious and said  "No No!". I told her I was just kidding. The english girl couldn't stop laughing

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Now We Know...............A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No, said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

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Some good uns there folks

Day 33 of lockdown

1482679486_lockdown01.thumb.jpg.562d891268905857d4503464feab0de6.jpg

 

And afterwards ~

1297543830_lockdown02.thumb.jpg.a797e8ebaa29a2bb295517d7c687360a.jpg

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Robin Williams COVID 19.jpg

Since I love horses, this one really made me laugh!

Neighbelline.jpg

Edited by Sheilajeanne

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What An Arm

The Philadelphia Eagles team owner wanted to put together the
perfect team. The only thing missing was a good quarterback. So he had his
scouts go to all colleges with football programs and even the Canadian and
European Leagues, but they couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super
Bowl victory. 


One night, while watching FOX News, the owner saw a war-zone scene in
Afghanistan. 


In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghani soldier with
a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a window from
80 yards away. He then threw another from 50 yards down a chimney, and
finally he hit a passing car going 80 miles per hour. "I've got to get this
guy!" The owner said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

He brought the young Afghani to the States and had him taught the great
game of football. Sure enough, the Eagles went on to win the Super Bowl.


The young Afghani was hailed as a hero of football, and when the coach
asked him what he would like, all the young man wanted to do was to call his
mother. "Mom," he said into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"


"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman replied. "You
deserted us. You are not my son."



"Mother, I don't think you understand," pleaded the son. "I've just won
the greatest sporting event in the world!"


"No! Let me tell you," his mother retorted. "At this very moment there
are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two
brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to
keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"





The old lady paused, and then tearfully hollered, "I will never forgive
you for making us move to Philadelphia!"
Modify message
 
 

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John Deere tractor for sale - has a slight rattle.

Tractor for sale.jpg

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A black humour joke

 

 

 

Don't be in a hurry to get out there and get Covid 19

 

An up-dated version, Covid 20, will be available soon. Those who already have Covid 19 can install the updated version later this year

 

Don't blame me - I read this one on another forum

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An Amish Boy:

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They
were amazed by almost everything they saw, but
especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move
apart and then slide back together again. The boy
asked, "What is this, Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded,
"Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life,
I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with
amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up
to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into
a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his
father watched the small circular numbers above the
walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last
number and then the numbers began to light in the
reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous,
voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman,
said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."

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Made me smile.

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SENIOR NIGHT

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center and "the Amazing Claude" was topping the bill.

People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced,"Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to
be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on
this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes
followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly,----- it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"****!" said the Hypnotist...

It took three weeks to clean up the Senior Center

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:thumbsup: Well done chaps.   We might crack a smile yet.

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That's a CLEAN joke???   :wacko:
Listen, I'm a nurse. Don't EVER get a nurse started on poop jokes. 90% of nursing jokes are poop jokes...

Okay, not a poop joke, but one of my favorites, that involves the same body orifice...

A guy came into the E.R. with a 'foreign object' lodged in his rectum, and the usual explanation about having slipped in the shower and landed on it... :rolleyes2: (If you've ever worked E.R. you will have seen more than your fair share of these foreign objects, so you try not to crack a smile as you listen to the explanation. )

Anyway, the doctor did a quick preliminary exam, then asked the nurse to bring him some supplies, before leaving to tend to another patient.
The nurse returned shortly with a pair of gloves, a speculum and a bottle of beer. She set the objects on a small table, then left the room.

By the time the doctor returned, the patient's curiosity had gotten the better of him. "Hey, Doc," he said, "The speculum and gloves I get, but what's with the bottle of beer?"

The doctor took a look at the objects on the table, did a double take, then went to the door of the room and hollered, "Hey nurse, I asked you for a BUTT light!"  

:rofl:
 

Edited by Sheilajeanne

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Happy Stars Wars Day

May the 4th be with you!

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"Waiter, there's a worm in my pie"

Waiter looks at it and say " That's fat"

"Acorse it's fat, it's eaten all the meat".

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Ok, you've asked for them!

1. customer,  'Waiter, there's a fly in my soup'

Waiter looks at the fly in the soup

customer. angrily,  'I want to know what its doing in my soup'

Waiter. 'The breast stroke by the look of it'

 

2. customer, 'Theres a fly in my soup'

Waiter, 'shhh, please don't shout about it'

customer, 'Why not?'

Waiter, 'because if everyone hears they'll all want one!'

 

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Two atoms are walking down the street, and one says, "Darn, I've lost an electron!"

The other says, "Are you sure?"

The atom replies, "Yes, I'm positive!"

 

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman are having a drink on a pub patio. 

The Englishman finds a fly in his beer. 
"Waiter!" he calls. "Bring me a napkin and a spoon, please!"  The waiter does so, and he uses the spoon to scoop the fly out of the beer, then places it in the napkin and hands the napkin to the waiter for disposal.

The Irishman finds a fly in his beer. He sticks his fingers in the beer, grabs it, throws it on the ground and stomps on it.

The Scot also finds a fly in his beer, He chases it around until he is able to grab it by the wings, and lift it out. He then hold it over the beer, gently shaking it. "Spit it oot, lad," he says, "spit it oot!"

 

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1 hour ago, Sheilajeanne said:

 

The Scot also finds a fly in his beer, He chases it around until he is able to grab it by the wings, and lift it out. He then hold it over the beer, gently shaking it. "Spit it oot, lad," he says, "spit it oot!"

 

:gun: :lol:

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A Pastor, a Priest and a Rabbit are walking through a park

The Rabbit turns to the other two and says;

 

 

 

 

'I think I'm a typo!'

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