Good jokes, not dirty jokes, just funny ones

[Bob]

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.

This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.

It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, 'Skippy!'.

The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face.

A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.

This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Dammit Skippy!'

Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!' A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it.

She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, 'Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!'

[xlr8tn]

Rick was in trouble.

He forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow

morning, I expect to

find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200

in less than

6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Rick got up early and left for

work.

When his wife woke up she looked out the window and

sure enough there was

a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to

the driveway, and

brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Rick has been missing since Friday.

Please pray for him

[Bob]

Three old mischievous Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home.

About then an old Grandpa walked by, and one of the old Grandma's yelled out saying, 'We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.'

The old man said, 'There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools.'

One of the old Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age.'

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.

The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and said, 'You're 87 years old!'

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in the world did you guess?'

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three old ladies happily yelled in unison --- 'We were at your birthday party yesterday!'

Edited April 11, 2008 by Bob

[Bob]

The lie detectorJohn was a salesman's delight when it

came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up

trying to get him to change. One day, John came home with another one of his

unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their

11 year old son returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting

home?" they asked. "Several of us went to the library to work on

an extra credit Project" said Tommy. The Robot then walked

around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went

after school." "We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie."

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha. "The Ten

Commandments." answered Tommy. The Robot went around to Tommy

and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With lip quivering,

Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I'm sorry I lied. We really watched a tape

called Sex Queen." "I'm ashamed of you son," said John.

"When I was your age, I never lied to my parents." The robot

then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that nearly knocked

him out of his chair.

Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy.... After all, he is YOUR son!" The Robot immediately

walked around to Marsha, and slapped her three times!...

[Washroad]

The new minister was just assigned his first church in a small town.

He attempted to go out and meet all his flock by going to their homes for a visit.

One day he went to an elderly widow's home and knocked on the door. The widow invited him in for some coffee.

They were chatting in the living room and the minister noticed a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table and asked the widow if he could have some. "Sure," said the widow, "Help yourself."

They continued to chat and suddenly the minister noticed he had eaten almost the whole bowl of peanuts and was very embarrassed. "I'm so sorry," he said, "I ate almost all of your peanuts."

"That's quite alright," the widow replied. "Since I've lost all my teeth all I can do is suck the chocolate off of them anyway."

[Art]

SEVEN EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, 'My wife's going to have her

baby in the cab!' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted

the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I

noticed that there were several cabs ---and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an

elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.

'Big breaths ', I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,' replied the

patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA

3. One day I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive

myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard

her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a

'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked,

'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete

confusion she answered. 'Why, not for about twenty years - when

my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steve Swanson, Corvallis , OR

5. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while

checking up on a woman I asked, 'So how's your breakfast this

morning?' 'It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't

seem to get used to the taste' the patient replied. I then asked

to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled 'KY

Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI

6. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman

with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety

of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly

determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was

scheduled for immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the

staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above

it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note

on the patient's dressing, which said, 'Sorry, had to mow the

lawn.'

Submitted by RN no name

AND FINALLY---

7. As a new, young MD doing his residency, I was quite embarrassed

when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment, I

had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The

middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly

burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my

work and sheepishly said, 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She

replied, 'No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I

was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'.

Dr. wouldn't submit his name

Art