Reaching for Help & Praying for Solace

[JustWakinUp]

I don't know why i feel compelled to write tell this story but I know there is support here and I need all I can get.

For the past 6 Months I've been unemployed and at home taking care of the kids. We've used up our savings and things have gotten financially stressful. 2 Weeks ago my wife who has a breaking point just snapped. She's brought up divorce and methods to transition the children ( 4 & 6 yr old girls) into just living with Mommy. A couple days ago my wife said she needed space so that she could stop the emotional roller coaster she is on. ( She started this mess, shouldn't she have expected it?) So anyway, I've slept here and there for the past few nights, I'm away from my kids, I'm pennyless and my heart is cracking. I think I'm headed for divorce and it's not the direction I want to go. All my leather tools are still at the house so I can't dig in and do some projects. I'm so confused as to what has transpired let alone what may happen.

It all seems so sudden and without warning. I can't see any light at the end of this tunnel and I've been praying like nobody's business lately. I can't find peace in the things I've done or places that I've been. Somehow the strength to let go eludes me right now and I'm reaching out to you leather folks for support. I'm the only footprints in the sand and trust me when I say I'm not being carried.

[Suze]

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

I can't say much else -- but have you tried pouring all your feelings out on paper - why you love her and miss her and the children

just the good things

and give it to her to read

maybe her heart is breaking too and she doesn't know how to mend it either.

((((Hug some more}}}}

[wildrose]

Please don't take this as "same ol' same ol'" advice, but have you tried marriage counseling? I know classes my husband and I took really helped years back, as well as counseling I had myself. It can be expensive, but there are always low cost/no cost options.

My prayers are with you.

[Bree]

I don't know why i feel compelled to write tell this story but I know there is support here and I need all I can get.

For the past 6 Months I've been unemployed and at home taking care of the kids. We've used up our savings and things have gotten financially stressful. 2 Weeks ago my wife who has a breaking point just snapped. She's brought up divorce and methods to transition the children ( 4 & 6 yr old girls) into just living with Mommy. A couple days ago my wife said she needed space so that she could stop the emotional roller coaster she is on. ( She started this mess, shouldn't she have expected it?) So anyway, I've slept here and there for the past few nights, I'm away from my kids, I'm pennyless and my heart is cracking. I think I'm headed for divorce and it's not the direction I want to go. All my leather tools are still at the house so I can't dig in and do some projects. I'm so confused as to what has transpired let alone what may happen.

It all seems so sudden and without warning. I can't see any light at the end of this tunnel and I've been praying like nobody's business lately. I can't find peace in the things I've done or places that I've been. Somehow the strength to let go eludes me right now and I'm reaching out to you leather folks for support. I'm the only footprints in the sand and trust me when I say I'm not being carried.

Sorry to hear that you have fallen on bad times. It is good that you are reaching out and that will help. But I want you to see something crystal clear... here are the words...

She started this mess,

If you want to save your marriage, banish this idea from your head. If you go down the path of the blame game in marriage you are very likely headed for divorce. There are two sides to every story. You appear blindsided which often means that one fails to see the effects of their own actions. Marriages are two way streets and both parties act upon one another. Both parties do good things and bad things.

Getting it straightened out isn't going to work if both sides are simply blaming the other for the problems especially if both sides contributed as is most often the case. So start with her as you are starting with us. Ask her for help. She is the one person most likely to help save your marriage. Indeed without her help it won't happen.

I can offer you a simple strategy. Build on the good things... the things you both agree are good about one another and your actions... and work hard to reduce the bad things... the things that either one of you perceives as bad for whatever the reason.

Start with reasonable expectations... target a 20% change at first rather than 100%... then work for more. Create a plan to restore faith in one another by modification of behaviors. Write it down. Measure it. Review and evaluate it from time to time with her.

Doing so demonstrates that both of you are serious about making your marriage work. If either of you doesn't want to work for renewal of your faith in one another, it's too late. Then you have to work on being civil to one another for both your own benefit as well as the benefit of the kids.

In any case work on behavior is necessary.

Oh... get those tools back, they are for your spiritual renewal, strength, and sustenance during these difficult times.

Good luck!!

Edited March 21, 2009 by Bree

[rdb]

I can't give any life advice, but if you need a place to store some tools, I should be able to squeeze them in here somewhere...

Also, you can work in my shop, if need be, to make your wallets to earn a few bucks...

Been there, done that...

[DG Leather]

hey,

I read this and feel compelled to reply. I have been in a similar position. I felt broken, lost and fed up. I was told a few things...

A) pray, what evr that means to you...just do it and ask for help repeatidly all day every day (i did this for about 2 years)

live today only.....eat, sleep and breathe .....if your hungry eat, if your tired sleep, if your anxious or stressed focus on breathing

C) if someone need helps ....HELP them, love them

I am not a lovey dovey touchy feely kinda guy in fact I been a violent arse and hurt alot of people.....but these simple formulas like ABC and others I know have proven to change my life.....

Another note....

my 3 kid sI love to death....temporarily I had to leave and love them from a distance and no matter how much I fought it and tried to stay in the situation it got worse and worse...which means i cant control it....so i backed off for a bit.....so months later...about 10 months things improved, my heart ached everyday but in time of doing ABC things improved and now my relationship with kids is the best ever....

I had to take care of myself in order to be the best DAD to them I could.....and now...my situation with their mom is way better than ever....in fact went from her hating me to having her BF ask me if i could take the kids while he proposed to her.....This is coming from a guy who has shot and stabbed people for smaller things....all in all man...I am trying to say that as long as you make right decisions, take an honest assesment of you, trust that their is something good for you and help others i cant see how life will not improve...do the next "right" thing

GODSPEED

I don't know why i feel compelled to write tell this story but I know there is support here and I need all I can get.

For the past 6 Months I've been unemployed and at home taking care of the kids. We've used up our savings and things have gotten financially stressful. 2 Weeks ago my wife who has a breaking point just snapped. She's brought up divorce and methods to transition the children ( 4 & 6 yr old girls) into just living with Mommy. A couple days ago my wife said she needed space so that she could stop the emotional roller coaster she is on. ( She started this mess, shouldn't she have expected it?) So anyway, I've slept here and there for the past few nights, I'm away from my kids, I'm pennyless and my heart is cracking. I think I'm headed for divorce and it's not the direction I want to go. All my leather tools are still at the house so I can't dig in and do some projects. I'm so confused as to what has transpired let alone what may happen.

It all seems so sudden and without warning. I can't see any light at the end of this tunnel and I've been praying like nobody's business lately. I can't find peace in the things I've done or places that I've been. Somehow the strength to let go eludes me right now and I'm reaching out to you leather folks for support. I'm the only footprints in the sand and trust me when I say I'm not being carried.

[jbird]

I feel for you and I am sorry hope you can work out with the wife.

Josh

[TrooperChuck]

Justwakinup:

I know this sounds like a cliche', but I truly believe God won't give you more than you can bear. I know this from personal experience. Since you were brave enough to share your troubles with us, I'll share some of mine. Please bear in mind that this isn't an attempt to say, "Oh yeah? Well, here's what happened to me...!" This is about using my tough times to help someone else having tough times. So, here goes...

My daughter Kira died of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome when she was 5 months old. My son Grant died of viral pneumonia when he was about the same age. My son James was born almost three months premature. He lived for 10 days, but his body just wasn't strong enough to be out in the world. He was dying. My wife and I made the decision to take him off life support, and we took turns holding him and talking to him while he died.

Those events taught me several important things...

First, You NEVER know when you may lose someone you love. So, love them as much as you can now.

Second, no problem between two people can ever be fixed if they can't talk to each other.

Third, some days I'm hurting, and some days my wife is hurting. We had to learn to recognize those days and cut each other some slack for it, rather than get annoyed by it.

Lastly, my grandmother gave me this advice after one of the funerals: "The two of you can get through anything if you just keep holding hands." My wife and I hold hands a lot.

I'm sorry this is such a depressing posting. But, I hope it gives you strength and hope. Your world is upside down right now, but with work and some of the advice these wonderful people have offered, you may be able to make it right again.

I'll pray for you and your family.

Chuck

[TexasJack]

Ouch. Been there, done that. 1996 - Divorce, laid off, broke, car wreck, concussion (bike wreck), fire, broken water pipe, couple of deaths in the family, and my dog died. (Someone suggested that I should go to Nashville as I had the makings for a number of country songs.) I was afraid to go outside for fear the plague of locusts would show up. And when you're down - esp. with a divorce - it's pretty amazing how many 'friends' disappear.

On the other hand, it was pretty interesting to find out who my real friends were. Also discovered, eventually, that God hadn't abandoned me. That allowed me to fill a gap in my life that I didn't even know was there.

As long as you're vertical and ventilating, it's possible for things to turn around. There will be days where all you can hope for is just to survive. Just take it one day at a time. Things will get better.

[SamTexas]

Hey there Justwakinup,

Have you looked at your tracks in the sand lately? Well look over your shoulder. Looks to me like they have plenty of company from your leatherhead padners. I saw where one even offered to let you work out of his shop. We are all here to help and support you. Somethimes we don't realize how many people really care until we hit the bottom of the hole and then look up and see how many there are. I know what you are saying about only one set of footprints and no one is carrying you. But rest assured my friend, the one who is wanting to carry you is just waiting for you to ask. From my own experiences, many times I've looked up and said where are you, only to find out the He was alreqady working things out for me. Then only to find out that He really was carrying me and I didn't even realize it. Did things always turn out like I wanted them to? No. Did things always turn out to be the very best for my life? Yes they did, without exception. Was it easy? Not always. Is it something you have done to cause all this? No it's not. Bad things do happen to good people. When this storm has passed, and it will, you'll be able to use this experience to pass along words of encouragement to someone else and tell them that they can make it, just like you did. Put your faith in God and pray for His help.

Keep us posted on your progress.

My prayers are also with you,

Sam Texas