Reaching for Help & Praying for Solace

[JustWakinUp]

I don't know why i feel compelled to write tell this story but I know there is support here and I need all I can get.

For the past 6 Months I've been unemployed and at home taking care of the kids. We've used up our savings and things have gotten financially stressful. 2 Weeks ago my wife who has a breaking point just snapped. She's brought up divorce and methods to transition the children ( 4 & 6 yr old girls) into just living with Mommy. A couple days ago my wife said she needed space so that she could stop the emotional roller coaster she is on. ( She started this mess, shouldn't she have expected it?) So anyway, I've slept here and there for the past few nights, I'm away from my kids, I'm pennyless and my heart is cracking. I think I'm headed for divorce and it's not the direction I want to go. All my leather tools are still at the house so I can't dig in and do some projects. I'm so confused as to what has transpired let alone what may happen.

It all seems so sudden and without warning. I can't see any light at the end of this tunnel and I've been praying like nobody's business lately. I can't find peace in the things I've done or places that I've been. Somehow the strength to let go eludes me right now and I'm reaching out to you leather folks for support. I'm the only footprints in the sand and trust me when I say I'm not being carried.

[Suze]

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

I can't say much else -- but have you tried pouring all your feelings out on paper - why you love her and miss her and the children

just the good things

and give it to her to read

maybe her heart is breaking too and she doesn't know how to mend it either.

((((Hug some more}}}}

[wildrose]

Please don't take this as "same ol' same ol'" advice, but have you tried marriage counseling? I know classes my husband and I took really helped years back, as well as counseling I had myself. It can be expensive, but there are always low cost/no cost options.

My prayers are with you.

[Bree]

I don't know why i feel compelled to write tell this story but I know there is support here and I need all I can get.

For the past 6 Months I've been unemployed and at home taking care of the kids. We've used up our savings and things have gotten financially stressful. 2 Weeks ago my wife who has a breaking point just snapped. She's brought up divorce and methods to transition the children ( 4 & 6 yr old girls) into just living with Mommy. A couple days ago my wife said she needed space so that she could stop the emotional roller coaster she is on. ( She started this mess, shouldn't she have expected it?) So anyway, I've slept here and there for the past few nights, I'm away from my kids, I'm pennyless and my heart is cracking. I think I'm headed for divorce and it's not the direction I want to go. All my leather tools are still at the house so I can't dig in and do some projects. I'm so confused as to what has transpired let alone what may happen.

It all seems so sudden and without warning. I can't see any light at the end of this tunnel and I've been praying like nobody's business lately. I can't find peace in the things I've done or places that I've been. Somehow the strength to let go eludes me right now and I'm reaching out to you leather folks for support. I'm the only footprints in the sand and trust me when I say I'm not being carried.

Sorry to hear that you have fallen on bad times. It is good that you are reaching out and that will help. But I want you to see something crystal clear... here are the words...

She started this mess,

If you want to save your marriage, banish this idea from your head. If you go down the path of the blame game in marriage you are very likely headed for divorce. There are two sides to every story. You appear blindsided which often means that one fails to see the effects of their own actions. Marriages are two way streets and both parties act upon one another. Both parties do good things and bad things.

Getting it straightened out isn't going to work if both sides are simply blaming the other for the problems especially if both sides contributed as is most often the case. So start with her as you are starting with us. Ask her for help. She is the one person most likely to help save your marriage. Indeed without her help it won't happen.

I can offer you a simple strategy. Build on the good things... the things you both agree are good about one another and your actions... and work hard to reduce the bad things... the things that either one of you perceives as bad for whatever the reason.

Start with reasonable expectations... target a 20% change at first rather than 100%... then work for more. Create a plan to restore faith in one another by modification of behaviors. Write it down. Measure it. Review and evaluate it from time to time with her.

Doing so demonstrates that both of you are serious about making your marriage work. If either of you doesn't want to work for renewal of your faith in one another, it's too late. Then you have to work on being civil to one another for both your own benefit as well as the benefit of the kids.

In any case work on behavior is necessary.

Oh... get those tools back, they are for your spiritual renewal, strength, and sustenance during these difficult times.

Good luck!!

Edited March 21, 2009 by Bree

[rdb]

I can't give any life advice, but if you need a place to store some tools, I should be able to squeeze them in here somewhere...

Also, you can work in my shop, if need be, to make your wallets to earn a few bucks...

Been there, done that...

[DG Leather]

hey,

I read this and feel compelled to reply. I have been in a similar position. I felt broken, lost and fed up. I was told a few things...

A) pray, what evr that means to you...just do it and ask for help repeatidly all day every day (i did this for about 2 years)

live today only.....eat, sleep and breathe .....if your hungry eat, if your tired sleep, if your anxious or stressed focus on breathing

C) if someone need helps ....HELP them, love them

I am not a lovey dovey touchy feely kinda guy in fact I been a violent arse and hurt alot of people.....but these simple formulas like ABC and others I know have proven to change my life.....

Another note....

my 3 kid sI love to death....temporarily I had to leave and love them from a distance and no matter how much I fought it and tried to stay in the situation it got worse and worse...which means i cant control it....so i backed off for a bit.....so months later...about 10 months things improved, my heart ached everyday but in time of doing ABC things improved and now my relationship with kids is the best ever....

I had to take care of myself in order to be the best DAD to them I could.....and now...my situation with their mom is way better than ever....in fact went from her hating me to having her BF ask me if i could take the kids while he proposed to her.....This is coming from a guy who has shot and stabbed people for smaller things....all in all man...I am trying to say that as long as you make right decisions, take an honest assesment of you, trust that their is something good for you and help others i cant see how life will not improve...do the next "right" thing

GODSPEED

I don't know why i feel compelled to write tell this story but I know there is support here and I need all I can get.

For the past 6 Months I've been unemployed and at home taking care of the kids. We've used up our savings and things have gotten financially stressful. 2 Weeks ago my wife who has a breaking point just snapped. She's brought up divorce and methods to transition the children ( 4 & 6 yr old girls) into just living with Mommy. A couple days ago my wife said she needed space so that she could stop the emotional roller coaster she is on. ( She started this mess, shouldn't she have expected it?) So anyway, I've slept here and there for the past few nights, I'm away from my kids, I'm pennyless and my heart is cracking. I think I'm headed for divorce and it's not the direction I want to go. All my leather tools are still at the house so I can't dig in and do some projects. I'm so confused as to what has transpired let alone what may happen.

It all seems so sudden and without warning. I can't see any light at the end of this tunnel and I've been praying like nobody's business lately. I can't find peace in the things I've done or places that I've been. Somehow the strength to let go eludes me right now and I'm reaching out to you leather folks for support. I'm the only footprints in the sand and trust me when I say I'm not being carried.

[jbird]

I feel for you and I am sorry hope you can work out with the wife.

Josh

[TrooperChuck]

Justwakinup:

I know this sounds like a cliche', but I truly believe God won't give you more than you can bear. I know this from personal experience. Since you were brave enough to share your troubles with us, I'll share some of mine. Please bear in mind that this isn't an attempt to say, "Oh yeah? Well, here's what happened to me...!" This is about using my tough times to help someone else having tough times. So, here goes...

My daughter Kira died of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome when she was 5 months old. My son Grant died of viral pneumonia when he was about the same age. My son James was born almost three months premature. He lived for 10 days, but his body just wasn't strong enough to be out in the world. He was dying. My wife and I made the decision to take him off life support, and we took turns holding him and talking to him while he died.

Those events taught me several important things...

First, You NEVER know when you may lose someone you love. So, love them as much as you can now.

Second, no problem between two people can ever be fixed if they can't talk to each other.

Third, some days I'm hurting, and some days my wife is hurting. We had to learn to recognize those days and cut each other some slack for it, rather than get annoyed by it.

Lastly, my grandmother gave me this advice after one of the funerals: "The two of you can get through anything if you just keep holding hands." My wife and I hold hands a lot.

I'm sorry this is such a depressing posting. But, I hope it gives you strength and hope. Your world is upside down right now, but with work and some of the advice these wonderful people have offered, you may be able to make it right again.

I'll pray for you and your family.

Chuck

[TexasJack]

Ouch. Been there, done that. 1996 - Divorce, laid off, broke, car wreck, concussion (bike wreck), fire, broken water pipe, couple of deaths in the family, and my dog died. (Someone suggested that I should go to Nashville as I had the makings for a number of country songs.) I was afraid to go outside for fear the plague of locusts would show up. And when you're down - esp. with a divorce - it's pretty amazing how many 'friends' disappear.

On the other hand, it was pretty interesting to find out who my real friends were. Also discovered, eventually, that God hadn't abandoned me. That allowed me to fill a gap in my life that I didn't even know was there.

As long as you're vertical and ventilating, it's possible for things to turn around. There will be days where all you can hope for is just to survive. Just take it one day at a time. Things will get better.

[SamTexas]

Hey there Justwakinup,

Have you looked at your tracks in the sand lately? Well look over your shoulder. Looks to me like they have plenty of company from your leatherhead padners. I saw where one even offered to let you work out of his shop. We are all here to help and support you. Somethimes we don't realize how many people really care until we hit the bottom of the hole and then look up and see how many there are. I know what you are saying about only one set of footprints and no one is carrying you. But rest assured my friend, the one who is wanting to carry you is just waiting for you to ask. From my own experiences, many times I've looked up and said where are you, only to find out the He was alreqady working things out for me. Then only to find out that He really was carrying me and I didn't even realize it. Did things always turn out like I wanted them to? No. Did things always turn out to be the very best for my life? Yes they did, without exception. Was it easy? Not always. Is it something you have done to cause all this? No it's not. Bad things do happen to good people. When this storm has passed, and it will, you'll be able to use this experience to pass along words of encouragement to someone else and tell them that they can make it, just like you did. Put your faith in God and pray for His help.

Keep us posted on your progress.

My prayers are also with you,

Sam Texas

[Daggrim]

I'm very reluctant to add anything here, because I feel so inadequate to help. But this time I won't remain silent. I spent 15 years in a cult, and I brought along my wife and kids. When the thing finally fell apart, everything we'd believed in and sacrificed for was gone. Not long afterward, my wife divorced me, and my grown up kids left for their own lives. It was like coming up out of a bomb shelter and finding the whole world flattened and lifeless. I didn't know anything for sure anymore. There was only one thing I could do, and that was to stick around. No matter what else was gone, I knew I was alive, and I planned on staying that way. God was just going to have to be patientfor awhile, because I didn't know who he was anymore. "I'm still here", was all I could pray. So, time passed, and everything finally was mostly healed, and it's much better now.

And one last thing, I've noticed that when people fight, it's mostly because they don't feel they're being treated fairly. Like when you feel astounded that someone else could be so unfair to you. It's about not being given the respect we deserve. The first criticism I always level at someone who makes me mad, is that they're an a**hole. Why? Because they're not giving me common courtesy. So, anyway, both sides dig in and express their outrage. I try to give patience then, and just ignore the insults and misunderstandings.

That's all.

Doug

[Saddlebag]

You weren't paying attention if you didn't see it coming. Get off your duff and get a job, any job, day jobs, whatever it takes. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. If you got the boot you probably had it coming. You're not much of a man if you don't support your family. I see this all too often and have no patience for it.

[Billy P]

Hey Waken up, don't know what's going on but there are 2 sides to every story. Let me tell you first a little about us, my wife and me. In 1998, we were separated for about 6 mos. If we make it until Tuesday the 24th of this mo. we'll be together for 30 yrs. I went to take a nap and when I got up my wife was gone. I asked my daughter where her mom was at, and she told me that she had left. I asked where did she go, and was told she left and said she ain't coming back. I was wondering what the hell, but after talking to her I said bum her it's her fault, so let her decide what she wants to do. When I got to being at home all day before work, with my daughter in school, and by myself, I had a lot of time to think about things. I remembered when she had back surgery and came home from the hospital on Friday, and then Saturday, I in all my wisdom, left her home, alone, while I fished a Bass Tournament. Real Smart, right. I thought after asking her that it was alright to go. She told me the truth, she didn't mind me going, but she really needed me to be there to help her, to care for her as a husband should have. I finally came to see that it was both of our faults, but I was more in the wrong by a long shot than she was. Anyway we finally worked things out and now we are closer and care more about each than ever. She is the only person that I fully trust in this world. While I may not be the brightest candle on the tree, I am smart enough too know who loves me and watches out for me. Waken, I said a lot to let you know that while you may not see that light at the end of the tunnel, it's there. That single set of footprints that you see are way too big for your feet, so trust in God and look back over the last 6 mos., and see if you might have messed up some yourself. I am sorry that you are out of work, and I know that things are tough right now. Another fact about me, I worked construction work for years. I always worked shutdowns, never new construction, I mostly worked in Nuclear Power Plants as a Structural fitter, Pipefitter, or as a Millwright. One other thing about me was that I would do whatever needed doing as long as they paid me what I was supposed to get. I've been hired as a Millwright and then watched a hole in the wall at Nuclear Plants, some people wouldn't do it and were laid off, while me a few more that would were making over a $1000 a week. I would work at Paper Mills, Textile Plants, wherever there was work, I'd go and do the job. My wife will tell you it was rough sometimes, with me having to get work away from home. That may not always be good for things, but I kept a roof over our heads, the water and lights on, and we dressed decent too. My point is if you can't find work in your area of N.C., then look elsewhere. Any work is better than no work when you're broke and got a family to support. I didn't always get the job I wanted, and I didn't always get to work at home, but I was never without a job, when I wanted one. Find something to do and it will make you feel better, and your wife too, as she'll see that she is not having to tote the note alone. If I have offended you that was not my intention, but to let you know that if you can't find work in N.C. Check out Tenn., S.C., or Ga., just whatever it takes. Trust me, I know from experience that it won't last forever. From what you wrote in your post, your wife has still been working while you are laid off, and she may be feeling that you aren't looking for work hard enough, I don't know yall's situation and certainly don't have all the answers for you, but you can know that you and your family will be much in our prayers. Billy P

[ryano]

BillY,

That was a very inspiring reply. Sometimes life just gets in the way and we take a lot for granite when things are good. Sometimes we need to stop and take a good look on how thankful we are for what we do have, how we got there, and how to keep it.

[nicker]

I guess I can say 'been there, done that' too... and so has my new husband. However, even with lots of experience, every situation is different. After my unplanned baby was born I had a terrible few months where my boyfriend (of 2 1/2 years) at the time cheated on me and left me for the young girl he knocked up... leaving me with an almost 1 year old baby, an eviction notice, no job, and $8000 in immediate debt (he'd wracked up my credit card and drained my overdraft before he left). That's the short story.

The first thing I can say is your kids... they are THE most important thing... all your decisions should revolve around what is best for them. I completely agree with whoever said 'you can't work things out unless you can talk to eachother'. Turned out I couldn't have a decent conversation with my ex no matter how I tried... he always got his back up and yelled and threatened me. So I ended up raising my son and paying for everything myself.

Every relationship has gone downhill mostly because 2 people both made poor decisions (sometimes one more than the other... but you can always find something on both sides). It's never one persons fault. So, step one would be to take a good look at your relationship and find the things that you could have done differently. If you can't think of anything then you weren't looking, you weren't listening to your wife and kids, and therefore you missed the boat. It wouldn't hurt to admit these things to your wife and let her know that you know you missed the boat. Let her know you're willing to take another ride on the boat if you two can work it out, but you're also willing to let it go if it's just 'beating a dead horse' for lack of better words. You NEED to be flexible, you NEED to listen and hear what's being said, and you NEED to be honest with her without making her feel guilty or blamed. I know it sounds like a lot, but if you want her to talk to you and work things out, you need to be open to change... and not make her feel trapped (like you'll only talk if it's going to work out).

Secondly I would call your wife, set up a time to meet. Let her know that you want to make life the best it can be for the kids and you'd like to sit down with her and work out what that will look like for you and her... regardless of whether you stay together or not. The thing that should be on the forefront of your mind is that your kids need you and her to be civil and make the tough decisions so they don't have to deal with any more pain then they have to. You need to be the bigger man and take life's punches as they come.

There may be a chance to work it out with her, but there may not be. You need to be prepared to deal with either outcome. Once this has been decided you need to outline the steps you will take to 'get there'... to the place where things are working in a manner that the kids are in the best place possible for the given situation. You may need to take whatever crap job you can find, move to an apartment close to her so you can see them often, etc. etc.

You can also get on with your life and start making decisions that will put you in a better place once you know where you stand with her and the kids. Don't get me wrong, this is NOT easy. It's a long hard road, but the first step is admitting your mistakes and sucking up the consequences of them. From there you can rebuild your life and get on with finding happiness... a little older and a little wiser.

Sorry to hear of your losses and I understand how hard of a time this can be. I wish you all the best and hope that you and your wife can work something out and find a common ground with the kids if nothing else.

[rawhide1]

You weren't paying attention if you didn't see it coming. Get off your duff and get a job, any job, day jobs, whatever it takes. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. If you got the boot you probably had it coming. You're not much of a man if you don't support your family. I see this all too often and have no patience for it.

saddlebags

Now that's what I call tough love!!

Mike

Edited March 23, 2009 by rawhide1

[TomSwede]

Hey Mark!!!

Sorry to hear you're in such a distressed situation!!!

Sweden is all to far away for a stay but my doors would be open and of course my little shop too;-)

I'm taking care of someone who has suffered greater losses than this so all I want to say is have faith and deal with it one day at the time. As long as your children are alive you have a very good reason to try and work this out. They will be here tomorrow and the next day too...

Hope things will work out for you!!!

Tom

[JustWakinUp]

Thank you to everyone for their support. I hate being the dull bulb of the forum but I needed to hear some of the things that everyone said. I have to say though, the one that sticks out is Saddlebags post, you are right, i wasn't paying attention, I didn't look for work hard enough etc etc, the unfortunate thing is as humans we all make make monstrous mistakes sometimes. And through my marriage im sure I made plenty of them but, now that the frying pan has hit me over the head I'm more aware now than ever. Sucks that way sometimes that it takes a big slap in the face to wake your ass up to life. INTERVIEW TODAY, EVERYONE CROSS YOUR FINGERS AND SAY A PRAYER FOR ME !

[rhall]

Good luck pardner! things are gonna work out...I won't bore you with tails of my first,but things have worked out!

[TrooperChuck]

Good luck with your interview! You just took the first step.... now, keep going!

Chuck

[Saddlebag]

By now you should have knocked on 10 doors. And when you get home, phone your wife and see if you can help her with anything, dishes, the kids, whatever. Don't go there to beg her to take you back, don't even mention it. And have the good graces to leave after a few hours without a word about reconciliation. Right now she needs some breathing room and you have to respect that. It's the shortest route to reconciliation.

[mulefool]

Well I think it's a good sign you were able to take in some of that "tough love" and not get your back up. Good luck on working things out.

[RustyMelton]

Thank you to everyone for their support. I hate being the dull bulb of the forum but I needed to hear some of the things that everyone said. I have to say though, the one that sticks out is Saddlebags post, you are right, i wasn't paying attention, I didn't look for work hard enough etc etc, the unfortunate thing is as humans we all make make monstrous mistakes sometimes. And through my marriage im sure I made plenty of them but, now that the frying pan has hit me over the head I'm more aware now than ever. Sucks that way sometimes that it takes a big slap in the face to wake your ass up to life. INTERVIEW TODAY, EVERYONE CROSS YOUR FINGERS AND SAY A PRAYER FOR ME !

Hi JustWakinUp, I'm not very good at advice but I know where you're coming from, I've been there myself. I think if you aproach your wife with the honesty you had in your last post it'll be a good step in the right direction. I'm prayin for you and your family. Good luck in you interview.