need to vent

[wildrose]

I need to vent about a problem that has arisen. I've removed some names to protect identities of the other parties involved.

Since we moved here, our son Ethan has become friends with two boys (7) and (9) across the street from us. They are good kids with Christian parents. Knowing we were going to be away in OH for Ethan's birthday, I spoke with their mom about the elder boy watching our cat and fish, bringing in the mail, etc while we were gone. (He'd offered, but I told him I needed his parents' okay) So, arrangements made, I gave over the key and we left. I called the first night just to make sure all was well, and the dad told me that the boy in fact had been over several times that day just to make sure all was well. I'm happy, all's well so far....

Monday, we head home. We stayed in OH longer than expected, and stopped for a long dinner, so we got home about 9 pm. After about 7 hrs in the car, Ethan was not a happy camper, to put it mildly. I saw the neighbor boy outside, and got the key back and paid him. I told him the cat looked to be fine, and he assured me the fish was also. After the struggle to settle Ethan down, I finally made it downstairs to check out the cat's litter box (it's in our basement bathroom) I discovered the door to the bathroom was closed and there was poop all over the carpet around it. Needless to say, I was upset. I called the neighbor's house, and got the dad. When he asked his son about it, he said he didn't close it. I said, okay, well thanks anyway (I knew someone was lying, but wasn't going to press it).

Not long after, the mom calls back, all defensive, saying she would give me my money back and pay him out of her pocket, because he did a phenomenal job. I said I knew he did, but that a human being closed that door, it doesn't close on its own, and from the amount of poop on the floor, it had been closed for days. And how I have a party coming up this weekend and my basement smells of cat pee too. I told her I'd also looked in the trash and from the evidence, the litter had only been cleaned twice in four days. She said that perhaps he'd brought the other bags back to their trash (huh?) She went on about how she was a Christian woman and didn't want any bad blood between us, and had a carpet cleaner she could bring over. That was fine with me. All fine so far, though I was getting a bit annoyed.

THEN she dropped the "bomb": she told me she would no longer allow the boys to come play with Ethan because she had no idea what I might say to them when they were here. Well, that really steamed me. To this point, I was willing to just drop the whole thing. Still, she's professing she doesn't want any bad blood between us. So I say "well, there is bad blood now, because now you are forcing me to tell my son why he can't play with his friends anymore." And I told her I was disappointed that she was unwilling to trust me in the situation. I told her that Jesus would surely have expected her to forgive. I told her I had to go take care of Ethan at that point, and that he was crying. She says that her son had been crying his eyes out for a while too. I cut her off and hung up.....

Of course, I steamed about it for long after I laid down at night, and Tim (my husband) was upset for me that she'd accuse me of saying something to the kids. The next morning, he spoke to the dad and said we didn't want our money back, and we'd just wanted to know what had happened. Later that day, I called and spoke to the dad again and said "I'm just calling to apologize. I didn't intend to make your son upset, I only wanted to find out what had happened. Please pass my apology along to your wife". Meanwhile, the whole time, I'm thinking: WHO was it that made the boy cry? NOT ME! I spoke only to the father. So what does that tell you about who is really to blame here for making him upset?

Anyhow, I just needed to vent. I gently told Ethan, in general terms, that the boys were no longer allowed to play with him. He informed me that he didn't like their mother anymore. I told him it was her right to make the choice, and that I had apologized, and maybe she would change her mind.

[Bob]

Holly, your story sounds quite funny. Though I'm sure being there in the midst of it, your not laughing much. Sorry.

Bob's column, (free advice is what it's worth)

Sounds like the neighbour lady has more issues than the City new paper. Secondly, Immature Christians cause more wrecks than you can imagine. Confessing His name, sure don't make any of us perfect.

I don't know what to say about anything else, except our cat takes care of itself. Outside with a large bowl of food and water. The gold fish are 12 for 1 dollar at the pet store.... what can I say more.

Chances are the nonsense with the kids will blow over in a few days.... Look at it this way Holly, when the toilet bowl stinks, flush it and don't look back. LOL

This is Bob's column, see it here weekly for plently good advice....

[TwinOaks]

Holly, I COMPLETELY understand your frustration with the situation. Last weekend I had to tell my daughter that she couldn't go over to the neighbor's house to play with their kid. It seems their 9 year old girl thinks my 6 year old son is a great punching bag. The parent's response? "Oh, [child's name] would never do that!" My boy is also accused of hitting (as in punch) their garage door hard enough to dent it. Yes, I said dent it. Now he's strong, but come on!!!

Here's my suggestion: Step 1. Allow the boys to play together outside. They don't come in your house, Ethan doesn't go inside theirs. That should limit any percieved attempts at maniacle ravings and brainwashing attempts against children. This more or less protects both sets of parents.

Step 2. On the next occasion that you have to speak with these neighbors, tell them that you're expanding your leather working and would like to include BDSM items, and ask if they have any suggestions or requests- and here's the hard part....do it with a straight face. There, problem solved!

I know this probably didn't help much, but I hope you got a chuckle out of it.

Edited August 14, 2008 by TwinOaks

[Froghunter]

I find it fascinating that in America, you must have a license to drive a car, work on electrical or plumbing, build a house or even carry a gun......

But ANYONE can have a kid, with out even so much as a training manual........

[abn]

Boy, these kinds of situations are tough to deal with. Especially with a cool head.

Since these are neighbors, and you'll probably have a long-term relationship with them -- whether you want one or not -- you may want to consider just letting the whole thing drop. Give them some space and let the situation cool down. Now you know their 9 year old isn't reliable, so you won't use him again. Plus, you've done your best to smooth things over already, so just leave it alone for a while.

While you may never have a wonderful relationship with these folks again, maybe you can at least return to being civil to each other and having your kids play together. But it'll take time...

[Johanna]

I've had cats that were presented with a perfectly clean and available litter box, and used the carpet/drapes/bedding/furniture because they were angry at being left for a few days. Cats know full well what they are doing, and I'm sure they smirk while they are doing it.

I hate when people hide behind their religion to justify rudeness, and when people interject kid plans into their own personal feelings. Now you know what kind of people the neighbors are. Because of the age differences between their boys and Ethan, there will be less and less playing anyway as time goes on. You don't want to set Ethan up for two older boys on one, either, especially if the other parents are coloring their boys' feelings. Write the kids off as playmates. You know you would never drag the kids into an adult matter, and to be accused of that must be frustrating. Chalk it up to lesson learned and never ask their kids to housesit for you again. I liked the advice about the boys playing outside, too. Better that they not come into your house lest other accusations develop. I would say as little as possible to your son about the whole thing, too, that way no stories get carried between the boys.

If the carpet can take it (test in an inconspicuous area first) bleach is great for getting rid of cat smell. Make up a bucket of dish soap (I like Dawn) and bleach, and scrub the offending areas, then turn on fans, open windows and allow to dry. You'll get the odor out, but I have no suggestions for wiping the grins off the cats' faces while they watch you work.

((hugs)) Holly!

Johanna

[Jordan]

Neighbor relations can be troubling at times, sounds like they have the Sunday affliction, many Christians catch it without even knowing it. The only cure is the long term therapy of learning how to carry the Sunday teachings into the rest of their week...Peace be with you and yours.

[wildrose]

Thanks everyone I truly appreciate all the replies. I really just needed to get my frustration out.

In truth, the boy had been bothering me for a while. He is more than a little mean to his younger brother, and when they were playing with Ethan and my nephew in our little pool last week, he kept shooting everyone in the eyes with the water toys. (Even after being told not to) Of course, as one of you noted, there's probably no use telling the parents that because they will think he's an angel.

I took him on as a cat sitter because the pros are so expensive (17.00/visit), and my own parents were out of town so I couldn't ask them.

Live and learn, that's all I can get from it.

[whinewine]

Neighbor relations can be troubling at times, sounds like they have the Sunday affliction, many Christians catch it without even knowing it. The only cure is the long term therapy of learning how to carry the Sunday teachings into the rest of their week...Peace be with you and yours.

This is called 'religiosity': the need to tell EVERYONE just what good christians they are (question: if you're really a good Christian, do you need to TELL everyone that you are??? Wouldn't it be obvious?) The prisons are full of people who God-Bless you thirty, forty times a day- yet they're in prison for having sex with their own & other kids or conning old people out of their life savings or stealing thousands and thousands of dollars from their employers & just take advantage of others. And they continue to rationalize their behavior ("the devil made me do it").

And it isn't just Christians, either. So much evil has been done in the name of: Jesus, Yahweh, Allah, Fill-in-the-blank-of-your-favorite-deity, etc...

A religious person practices his/her faith, quietly & shows their commitment to doing the ethical thing, the right thing, through their actions... a person spouting religiosity merely mouths the words- frequently- but there is no substance, no commitment & no actions- just cheap words that mean nothing.

If you can learn to recognize that, you will be much less likely to get sucked into believing in liars, cheats & thieves who profess one thing & practice something entirely different.

Good luck.

russ

[Bree]

I try to follow a simple principle when I get into conflict with people. Always give a person the chance to do the right thing.

Often we think we know why people do the things that they do but I find that I just don't really know their motivations. Sometimes I am surprised to find out how my speculations were totally wrong.

It sure looks like a bad situation but ya never know... step back... let it play out and give her a chance to do the right thing. She is your neighbor and you all have to live next door to one another. That may help nudge her in the right direction of reconciliation.

Share your strategy with your child. This may be a great learning experience as people do this goofy stuff all the time. Show the child how to make a measured response without overeacting. That is a lesson that will serve him for the rest of his life.

There is opportunity in every grey cloud!!

Edited August 14, 2008 by Bree

[shirleyz]

I find it fascinating that in America, you must have a license to drive a car, work on electrical or plumbing, build a house or even carry a gun......

But ANYONE can have a kid, with out even so much as a training manual........

My sentiments entirely! If people had to take an IQ test before being allowed to reproduce, the population would decrease rapidly!

Shirley

[Windy]

Well now maybe I should not tell you

this. However you brought it up not me.

You said you trusted a kid you all ready

knew would not take orders. The pool

incident. How could you a grown mother

trust a nine year old who would not listen

to you in the pool, with the key to your

house and to clean up after your animals

and feed them. As you said you did it to

save money. Yet you blame the kid and

his parents. It appears to me you are the

one to blame. How many times have you

heard "you get what you pay for". As a

craft person , I bet you have said it your

self.Now if you need to vent go ahead

and yell at me for voicing my opinion on

your subject. I know I can take it or I would

not have typed this.

WINDY

[CitizenKate]

I think you can get more from the situation than just "live and learn". I agree with Bree's perspective, that there is an opportunity for a serious breakthrough hiding behind every problem.

Kate

[Bob]

I agree with Bree's comments also. Lots of us make mistakes and just sometimes need nothing more than a bit of time to do the right thing...

Someone once said that "Wisdom comes with age", sometimes age comes by itself... LOL

Sometimes we just don't know why people do what they do and are too quick to jump to conclusions about it. Making a quick judgement on matters sometimes can only make the matter worse.

Again on this point, I agree with Bree. What your child sees you do in this matter is also quite important.

Way to go Bree !!!!

[UKRay]

One possibility that nobody has voiced is that the mother is feeling guilty for not supervising her kid whilst he carried out his task (lack of time, laziness, whatever - but I bet you would have checked once or twice that everything was okay) and is looking to shift the blame on to someone else... It is a whole lot easier to live with a mistake if someone else has made it. Just my opinion and worth precisely what you paid for it!

[TomSwede]

I find it fascinating that in America, you must have a license to drive a car, work on electrical or plumbing, build a house or even carry a gun......

But ANYONE can have a kid, with out even so much as a training manual........

I have had the same reflection as you here in Sweden Frog.

The only thing in this situation that I can think of that differs from what could have happened here is the religious aspect. Alltough there are christian people here they are not very open bout it so they would prolly invent another excuse to ban the child from going to the neighbours house, christian or not.

We had a tv series a few years ago that was called hockeyparents (translated from Swedish) wich dealt with the issue of parents that is backing up their children just a liiiiittle bit toooooo much and there we could see how they, like UKRay mentioned shifted focus from their own problems by putting blame on others. the name hockyparents came from the type of parents that live their lifes through the children by pushing them to hard in hockey, football, ballet or whatever the interest the parent was into but failed to make it and therefor more or less forcing the children into a certain role without any choice. One of our biggest football promises who was about 16 a few years ago and was training with a very famous football team in Italy to become a top player there suddenly dropped out and tried to take his life as a result of this. He realized he didn't like football at all but couldn't stand the thought of betraying his parents by dropping out of it. Think he's written a book bout it and perhaps that is what alerted the tv people to make the series. I don't know about that.

Ok I'm drifting off the subject here but you know me. I'm Tom and it happens all the time, lol.

I'll stick to others advice here, sit it through and the idea someone came up with to let them play outside but not at one and anothers house might be a way to go.

Good luck with it and hope your son has or can make other friends if it doesn't resolve. The children seem to be pretty much innocent victims here. I feel sorry for them.

Tom

[wildrose]

The father and mother have both waved to my husband in passing, and the mom waved to Ethan and I the other day (mostly I think because Ethan called out to them as they were driving away).

I was happy today to have a potential new friend for Ethan over, who is closer to his age, and they hit it off really well. Also, this boy's mom and I get along really well. She, like me, is pretty new to the area, so I think that helps.