Reaching for Help & Praying for Solace

[Daggrim]

I'm very reluctant to add anything here, because I feel so inadequate to help. But this time I won't remain silent. I spent 15 years in a cult, and I brought along my wife and kids. When the thing finally fell apart, everything we'd believed in and sacrificed for was gone. Not long afterward, my wife divorced me, and my grown up kids left for their own lives. It was like coming up out of a bomb shelter and finding the whole world flattened and lifeless. I didn't know anything for sure anymore. There was only one thing I could do, and that was to stick around. No matter what else was gone, I knew I was alive, and I planned on staying that way. God was just going to have to be patientfor awhile, because I didn't know who he was anymore. "I'm still here", was all I could pray. So, time passed, and everything finally was mostly healed, and it's much better now.

And one last thing, I've noticed that when people fight, it's mostly because they don't feel they're being treated fairly. Like when you feel astounded that someone else could be so unfair to you. It's about not being given the respect we deserve. The first criticism I always level at someone who makes me mad, is that they're an a**hole. Why? Because they're not giving me common courtesy. So, anyway, both sides dig in and express their outrage. I try to give patience then, and just ignore the insults and misunderstandings.

That's all.

Doug

[Saddlebag]

You weren't paying attention if you didn't see it coming. Get off your duff and get a job, any job, day jobs, whatever it takes. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. If you got the boot you probably had it coming. You're not much of a man if you don't support your family. I see this all too often and have no patience for it.

[Billy P]

Hey Waken up, don't know what's going on but there are 2 sides to every story. Let me tell you first a little about us, my wife and me. In 1998, we were separated for about 6 mos. If we make it until Tuesday the 24th of this mo. we'll be together for 30 yrs. I went to take a nap and when I got up my wife was gone. I asked my daughter where her mom was at, and she told me that she had left. I asked where did she go, and was told she left and said she ain't coming back. I was wondering what the hell, but after talking to her I said bum her it's her fault, so let her decide what she wants to do. When I got to being at home all day before work, with my daughter in school, and by myself, I had a lot of time to think about things. I remembered when she had back surgery and came home from the hospital on Friday, and then Saturday, I in all my wisdom, left her home, alone, while I fished a Bass Tournament. Real Smart, right. I thought after asking her that it was alright to go. She told me the truth, she didn't mind me going, but she really needed me to be there to help her, to care for her as a husband should have. I finally came to see that it was both of our faults, but I was more in the wrong by a long shot than she was. Anyway we finally worked things out and now we are closer and care more about each than ever. She is the only person that I fully trust in this world. While I may not be the brightest candle on the tree, I am smart enough too know who loves me and watches out for me. Waken, I said a lot to let you know that while you may not see that light at the end of the tunnel, it's there. That single set of footprints that you see are way too big for your feet, so trust in God and look back over the last 6 mos., and see if you might have messed up some yourself. I am sorry that you are out of work, and I know that things are tough right now. Another fact about me, I worked construction work for years. I always worked shutdowns, never new construction, I mostly worked in Nuclear Power Plants as a Structural fitter, Pipefitter, or as a Millwright. One other thing about me was that I would do whatever needed doing as long as they paid me what I was supposed to get. I've been hired as a Millwright and then watched a hole in the wall at Nuclear Plants, some people wouldn't do it and were laid off, while me a few more that would were making over a $1000 a week. I would work at Paper Mills, Textile Plants, wherever there was work, I'd go and do the job. My wife will tell you it was rough sometimes, with me having to get work away from home. That may not always be good for things, but I kept a roof over our heads, the water and lights on, and we dressed decent too. My point is if you can't find work in your area of N.C., then look elsewhere. Any work is better than no work when you're broke and got a family to support. I didn't always get the job I wanted, and I didn't always get to work at home, but I was never without a job, when I wanted one. Find something to do and it will make you feel better, and your wife too, as she'll see that she is not having to tote the note alone. If I have offended you that was not my intention, but to let you know that if you can't find work in N.C. Check out Tenn., S.C., or Ga., just whatever it takes. Trust me, I know from experience that it won't last forever. From what you wrote in your post, your wife has still been working while you are laid off, and she may be feeling that you aren't looking for work hard enough, I don't know yall's situation and certainly don't have all the answers for you, but you can know that you and your family will be much in our prayers. Billy P

[ryano]

BillY,

That was a very inspiring reply. Sometimes life just gets in the way and we take a lot for granite when things are good. Sometimes we need to stop and take a good look on how thankful we are for what we do have, how we got there, and how to keep it.

[nicker]

I guess I can say 'been there, done that' too... and so has my new husband. However, even with lots of experience, every situation is different. After my unplanned baby was born I had a terrible few months where my boyfriend (of 2 1/2 years) at the time cheated on me and left me for the young girl he knocked up... leaving me with an almost 1 year old baby, an eviction notice, no job, and $8000 in immediate debt (he'd wracked up my credit card and drained my overdraft before he left). That's the short story.

The first thing I can say is your kids... they are THE most important thing... all your decisions should revolve around what is best for them. I completely agree with whoever said 'you can't work things out unless you can talk to eachother'. Turned out I couldn't have a decent conversation with my ex no matter how I tried... he always got his back up and yelled and threatened me. So I ended up raising my son and paying for everything myself.

Every relationship has gone downhill mostly because 2 people both made poor decisions (sometimes one more than the other... but you can always find something on both sides). It's never one persons fault. So, step one would be to take a good look at your relationship and find the things that you could have done differently. If you can't think of anything then you weren't looking, you weren't listening to your wife and kids, and therefore you missed the boat. It wouldn't hurt to admit these things to your wife and let her know that you know you missed the boat. Let her know you're willing to take another ride on the boat if you two can work it out, but you're also willing to let it go if it's just 'beating a dead horse' for lack of better words. You NEED to be flexible, you NEED to listen and hear what's being said, and you NEED to be honest with her without making her feel guilty or blamed. I know it sounds like a lot, but if you want her to talk to you and work things out, you need to be open to change... and not make her feel trapped (like you'll only talk if it's going to work out).

Secondly I would call your wife, set up a time to meet. Let her know that you want to make life the best it can be for the kids and you'd like to sit down with her and work out what that will look like for you and her... regardless of whether you stay together or not. The thing that should be on the forefront of your mind is that your kids need you and her to be civil and make the tough decisions so they don't have to deal with any more pain then they have to. You need to be the bigger man and take life's punches as they come.

There may be a chance to work it out with her, but there may not be. You need to be prepared to deal with either outcome. Once this has been decided you need to outline the steps you will take to 'get there'... to the place where things are working in a manner that the kids are in the best place possible for the given situation. You may need to take whatever crap job you can find, move to an apartment close to her so you can see them often, etc. etc.

You can also get on with your life and start making decisions that will put you in a better place once you know where you stand with her and the kids. Don't get me wrong, this is NOT easy. It's a long hard road, but the first step is admitting your mistakes and sucking up the consequences of them. From there you can rebuild your life and get on with finding happiness... a little older and a little wiser.

Sorry to hear of your losses and I understand how hard of a time this can be. I wish you all the best and hope that you and your wife can work something out and find a common ground with the kids if nothing else.

[rawhide1]

You weren't paying attention if you didn't see it coming. Get off your duff and get a job, any job, day jobs, whatever it takes. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. If you got the boot you probably had it coming. You're not much of a man if you don't support your family. I see this all too often and have no patience for it.

saddlebags

Now that's what I call tough love!!

Mike

Edited March 23, 2009 by rawhide1

[TomSwede]

Hey Mark!!!

Sorry to hear you're in such a distressed situation!!!

Sweden is all to far away for a stay but my doors would be open and of course my little shop too;-)

I'm taking care of someone who has suffered greater losses than this so all I want to say is have faith and deal with it one day at the time. As long as your children are alive you have a very good reason to try and work this out. They will be here tomorrow and the next day too...

Hope things will work out for you!!!

Tom

[JustWakinUp]

Thank you to everyone for their support. I hate being the dull bulb of the forum but I needed to hear some of the things that everyone said. I have to say though, the one that sticks out is Saddlebags post, you are right, i wasn't paying attention, I didn't look for work hard enough etc etc, the unfortunate thing is as humans we all make make monstrous mistakes sometimes. And through my marriage im sure I made plenty of them but, now that the frying pan has hit me over the head I'm more aware now than ever. Sucks that way sometimes that it takes a big slap in the face to wake your ass up to life. INTERVIEW TODAY, EVERYONE CROSS YOUR FINGERS AND SAY A PRAYER FOR ME !

[rhall]

Good luck pardner! things are gonna work out...I won't bore you with tails of my first,but things have worked out!

[TrooperChuck]

Good luck with your interview! You just took the first step.... now, keep going!

Chuck