the real truth about tools

[pete]

I shoulda framed this guide to tool usage long ago!!

TOOLS EXPLAINED!

DRILL PRESS:

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:

Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh --'

SKILL SAW:

A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:

Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:

An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle...

It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:

Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:

Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW:

A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:

Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:

A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:

A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:

Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:

A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:

A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:

A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

Son of a b*tch TOOL: (A personal favorite!!)

Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a b*tch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Hope you found this informative.

[Tkleather1]

That is the best explanation of tools that I have ever heard.

Fantastic.

Tim Worley

TK-Leather

[Johanna]

Yep, that about covers it. I have to show this to Wade.

Johanna

[bruce johnson]

Funniest thing in read in a while. Another to add:

9/16 WRENCH:

The size wrench used on arena panel connectors, gate hinges, and stirrup bolt nuts. The one that immediately goes AWOL from every organized open end wrench and socket set I own.

Then we could get into chain saws and handyman jacks.

[Geo4x4]

OMG! Everything has suddenly become so clear.

Thank You.

[Casey Jordan]

Speaking of the S.O.B tool - guess how my kids learned how to cuss!

My oldest son still calls the garbage disposal a **$$@#$@**!!!

You start out trying to be a good father and teach your kids how to work with their hands and fix things.

The next thing you know things have gone all sideways and their cussing,learning how to dodge flying tools, know where the first aid kit is, learn how to dial 911 and know not to tell mom what they learned today.

At least they learned something ! Brings a tear to my eye.

[simontuntelder]

4 years later and it's still hilarious!

Thanks for a good laugh

[WyomingSlick]

You need to add: metel lathe - useful for turning good solid pieces of metal into brillo pads and/or steel wool.

[raysouth]

SUPERB !!!!!! Never read a better description.

God Bless.

Ray

[AndyL1]

Old thread, but this is so good! HAHA!

Andy

[curlyjo]

Also to be included, large soft silver polishing wheel, designed to bring conchos and small silver items to a high degree of shine but instead grabs them and flings them into the farthest region of shop area and brings tears to your eyes if you were stupid enough to stick a finger into the loop back portion of said concho.

[Jax]

I'm in tears here....so funny but so true!

[Jwalker]

[BondoBobCustomSaddles]

Obviously all the tidbits were written by those who are old enough to have had great experience with such items!! I know because I resemble that description and have experienced all the above numerous times! Thanks to all for a good morning laugh! Bob

[Peter T]

Hahaha! This is excellent!

Bob, I am comforted that I must still be young as I have only experienced about 80% of these things. When I have done them all I will be able to say I have finally arrived!

Pete