Jokes for 2023

[fredk]

A new thread for fresh jokes

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What's the smallest calibre that you would trust to protect yourself? Here’s her story in her own words:

“While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in ‘The Villages’ with my soon to be ex-husband, discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.”

“If I had not had my little Beretta .25 calibre pistol with me, I would not be here today!”

“Just one shot to my estranged husband’s knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. The amount I saved in lawyer’s fees was really incredible, and his life insurance was a really big bonus!”

[chuck123wapati]

7 hours ago, fredk said:

A new thread for fresh jokes

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What's the smallest calibre that you would trust to protect yourself? Here’s her story in her own words:

“While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in ‘The Villages’ with my soon to be ex-husband, discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.”

“If I had not had my little Beretta .25 calibre pistol with me, I would not be here today!”

“Just one shot to my estranged husband’s knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. The amount I saved in lawyer’s fees was really incredible, and his life insurance was a really big bonus!”

lol I have a very small 22 i carry in my pack when out in the woods. I 've always called it my bear gun when someone asks me why i call it that its too small to shoot a bear with i say " you don't have to outrun the bear you just have to outrun your whoever is with you". That's why the experts say you never go in the woods by yourself lol

[Sheilajeanne]

Husband's car won't start, so he calls the wife and asks her to pick him up in the truck.

"That' wont' start either," the wife tells him.

"What? Why won't it start?"

"It's got water in the carburetor," she replies.

"Honey, you know NOTHING about engines. How do you know that's why it won't start?"

"Because our son decided to try to drive today. Your truck's in the swimming pool!"

 

[chuck123wapati]

This economy sucks even the manufacturers are having trouble, the other day I heard the company that makes yardsticks wasn't going to make them any longer. 

[fredk]

good one.     I've not heard that one before

[327fed]

You may be a readneck if:

[Sheilajeanne]

Best joke I've come across in quite some time! 

A punter was at the horse races playing the ponies.

He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

 

Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.

The punter made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race.

He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next.

 

He bet big on it, and it won. As the races continued the Priest kept blessing long shots, and each one ended up winning. The punter was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.

This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. The punter knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

 

He watched dumbfounded as the old nag came in last. In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was.

Confronting Him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse blessed lost by a mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings!'.

 

The Priest nodded, wisely and with sympathy.

'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants.  You can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and Last Rites.'

 

 

Edited May 3, 2023 by Sheilajeanne

[Handstitched]

 If your Mum farts in the car, do you keep you mouth shut, or risk death by saying a smart a**se comment ......while casually winding the window down ? 

Or, you could say , " OMG, there must be a chicken farm nearby " ....even though you're in the CBD 

Or " There must be sewerage works somewhere"....... while getting an evil look 

HS 

[chuck123wapati]

2 hours ago, Handstitched said:

 If your Mum farts in the car, do you keep you mouth shut, or risk death by saying a smart a**se comment ......while casually winding the window down ? 

Or, you could say , " OMG, there must be a chicken farm nearby " ....even though you're in the CBD 

Or " There must be sewerage works somewhere"....... while getting an evil look 

HS 

I always started singing this, while rolling the window down. lol  

 

[Handstitched]

26 minutes ago, chuck123wapati said:

I always started singing this, while rolling the window down. lol  

That tune is pretty catchy, I have to admit, probably start singing that myself      I dare anyone to pick up those skunks  Smell like burnt rubber....apparently 

 All we get is ' dead roo's in the middle of the road'  and the occasional Wallaby or Emu  . However, a decent sized  roo can right off a car.  

[chuck123wapati]

5 minutes ago, Handstitched said:

That tune is pretty catchy, I have to admit, probably start singing that myself      I dare anyone to pick up those skunks  Smell like burnt rubber....apparently 

 All we get is ' dead roo's in the middle of the road'  and the occasional Wallaby or Emu  . However, a decent sized  roo can right off a car.  

 They smell much worse than burnt rubber my friend. Its an old family favorite lol there are plenty of skunks around here.

[Handstitched]

26 minutes ago, chuck123wapati said:

They smell much worse than burnt rubber my friend.

That might explain why I have never seen any ' skunk leather' items on here , yikes   ...and besides, they'll never sell. 

HS

[chuck123wapati]

1 hour ago, Handstitched said:

That might explain why I have never seen any ' skunk leather' items on here , yikes   ...and besides, they'll never sell. 

HS

lol I ve never seen a hot pink skunk but if i did i would give up drinking!!! https://www.glacierwear.com/animal-fur-pelts-hides-skins/skunk-pelts.html

[tsunkasapa]

2 hours ago, Handstitched said:

That might explain why I have never seen any ' skunk leather' items on here , yikes   ...and besides, they'll never sell. 

HS

A couple of my rondy buddies have skunk skin hats. They aren't common, but not rare either.

[Handstitched]

10 hours ago, tsunkasapa said:

A couple of my rondy buddies have skunk skin hats.

They would have to wear bio suits to skin them lol 

[tsunkasapa]

Not really. While skunks CAN cause a stink (pun not intended), for the most part they do not. As a kid I had 6 baby skunks that lived in the wood shed, ate with our cats , and let us pet and hold them. They stayed around the farm for several years.

[Sheilajeanne]

So, how DO you catch and skin a skunk without causing the fur to stink? Won't a skunk let go its scent glands if it's caught in a trap?

[Handstitched]

I found this. Quite baffling , and damn funny too. 

https://au.news.yahoo.com/jersey-baffled-mountain-cooked-pasta-184611713.html

"Another user added: “Lead suspect is a guy named Al Dente,” another commented. 

That  totally cracked me up .

I guess someone would have to pasta shell out'  a lot of money  to clean it up. But I think this story is rigged- atoni . Obviously  the offender is no ' Angel ' hair pasta  and a bit of a ' noodle head ' 

Perhaps the offender should ' Man icotti up . 

All we need now is 1/2 ton of pasta sauce, 1/4 ton of garlic bread and a  few cases of red wine

 

Anyone from New Jersey on here ??  Fill us in ?? 

HS

[chuck123wapati]

18 hours ago, Sheilajeanne said:

So, how DO you catch and skin a skunk without causing the fur to stink? Won't a skunk let go its scent glands if it's caught in a trap?

i was strong armed once by a skunk. One night when we were hunting, we were all in my lodge ( native American teepee) drinkin beer having a great time cooking pork chops. I had my cooler setting near the door with the package of chops setting out on top. Well this big old skunk smells them i guess and decides he wants a pork chop too and comes waddling right in and grabs one sets down on his butt and starts to munching away right in the middle of the doorway. Guess what four big bad elk hunters  do when that happens? They stand wide eyed and wondering what the hell to do next lol. Cant get out, cant yell, cant hit it or your whole tent and you and all your gear will be stinky forever. We just stood there watching him eat pretty soon when he got good and ready I swear he smiled flipped us off and then moseyed on off with the rest of his chop. A person doesn't really know what the most respected animal in the woods are until your face to face with a skunk man they have the power IMO. They are really rude critters and don't care if you like them or want them to leave and there isn't shit you can do about it lol.  The next night he came in again while i was sleeping. Third night we went skunk hunting lol. That's the tale of two skunks camp. 

[Sheilajeanne]

Oh, that's funny! Chuck, reminds me of this photo:

Most of my skunk encounters have involved skunks and dogs that didn't know any better...   I can report the Skunk Remedy (hydrogen peroxide, baking soda and a little dish soap) works REALLY well...and that some dogs just DO NOT LEARN!

The one house we were renting, we had a backyard neighbour with a skunk nest under the porch. The neighbour had decided to just let them be. Twice while we were living there, one of the young ones fell into our window well. Our dog alerted us to it, and fortunately we noticed before anything bad happened to her! (I'm sure the skunk was reluctant to spray when it was in a confined space, too.)

We tried (very carefully) putting a 2x4 down into the window well, but the youngster couldn't get a good grip on it. Then, we thought of an old piece of carpet we had somewhere, and didn't want anymore. That did the trick,  though the skunk did spray just a tiny bit while I was putting the carpet into the well. Fortunately, the smell didn't last, as it wasn't a full blast!

 

 

Edited May 6, 2023 by Sheilajeanne

[chuck123wapati]

19 hours ago, Sheilajeanne said:

Oh, that's funny! Chuck, reminds me of this photo:

Most of my skunk encounters have involved skunks and dogs that didn't know any better...   I can report the Skunk Remedy (hydrogen peroxide, baking soda and a little dish soap) works REALLY well...and that some dogs just DO NOT LEARN!

The one house we were renting, we had a backyard neighbour with a skunk nest under the porch. The neighbour had decided to just let them be. Twice while we were living there, one of the young ones fell into our window well. Our dog alerted us to it, and fortunately we noticed before anything bad happened to her! (I'm sure the skunk was reluctant to spray when it was in a confined space, too.)

We tried (very carefully) putting a 2x4 down into the window well, but the youngster couldn't get a good grip on it. Then, we thought of an old piece of carpet we had somewhere, and didn't want anymore. That did the trick,  though the skunk did spray just a tiny bit while I was putting the carpet into the well. Fortunately, the smell didn't last, as it wasn't a full blast!

 

 

yup i;ve been there just set and watch the little bugger.

 They give you a glance every once in a while like "What?"  second night about 3 in the morning i hear him rooting around in my lodge, I hit my flashlight and it blinded him so he's runnin around looking for the way out which isnt easy in a round tent with a small opening and two layers of canvas lol. I'm peeking out from under my fart sack yelling and carrying on trying to get him out without getting sprayed, covering my head up every time he made a lap around my bag.  My friend hears the commotion in his tent and starts to come over so there i am yelling at him now  not to come in the skunks back. I hear silence then " well what the he** you want me to do about that? Then this muffled type laughing, i could hear him out there trying to stifle himself to no avail. All the while this skunk is roaming around and about ten minutes later he finally finds the door. Man did i get the shit in the morning, every skunk joke you could imagine, and most of them stunk lol.. 

My dog got hit last year in our front yard yes that recipe works pretty darn good. i have some on hand now. 

[Handstitched]

On 5/6/2023 at 11:16 PM, Sheilajeanne said:

Oh, that's funny! Chuck, reminds me of this photo

I'd love to put a thought bubble above that dogs head   with a few expletives in it. I can't say what they are but one starts with the letter ' C ' .

Gladly we don't have those here in Oz, but after reading yours & Chucks  experiences,  my respect for those smelly critters has  increased. 

HS

Edited May 7, 2023 by Handstitched

[Handstitched]

Solved:

https://www.smithsonianmag.com/smart-news/mystery-solved-how-did-500-pounds-of-pasta-end-up-dumped-in-the-new-jersey-woods-180982135/

"Eventually, neighbors who live near the dump site solved the pasta puzzle themselves. After analyzing footage captured by a home security camera, they determined it came from a man who’d been cleaning out his mother’s home after she died"

Sadly , his Mother 'pasta-way' ,   'RIP' Rest in Pasta ( sorry ) 

HS

[Handstitched]

" Two old ladies sitting on a park bench, when a naked man ran past. One had a stroke, the other couldn't quite reach " 

HS 

[chuck123wapati]

19 minutes ago, Handstitched said:

" Two old ladies sitting on a park bench, when a naked man ran past. One had a stroke, the other couldn't quite reach " 

HS 

Now thats funny!!!!!

5 hours ago, Handstitched said:

Solved:

https://www.smithsonianmag.com/smart-news/mystery-solved-how-did-500-pounds-of-pasta-end-up-dumped-in-the-new-jersey-woods-180982135/

"Eventually, neighbors who live near the dump site solved the pasta puzzle themselves. After analyzing footage captured by a home security camera, they determined it came from a man who’d been cleaning out his mother’s home after she died"

Sadly , his Mother 'pasta-way' ,   'RIP' Rest in Pasta ( sorry ) 

HS