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Posted

A new thread for fresh jokes

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What's the smallest calibre that you would trust to protect yourself? Here’s her story in her own words:

“While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in ‘The Villages’ with my soon to be ex-husband, discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.”

“If I had not had my little Beretta .25 calibre pistol with me, I would not be here today!”

“Just one shot to my estranged husband’s knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. The amount I saved in lawyer’s fees was really incredible, and his life insurance was a really big bonus!”

Al speling misteaks aer all mi own werk..

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  • CFM
Posted
7 hours ago, fredk said:

A new thread for fresh jokes

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What's the smallest calibre that you would trust to protect yourself? Here’s her story in her own words:

“While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in ‘The Villages’ with my soon to be ex-husband, discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.”

“If I had not had my little Beretta .25 calibre pistol with me, I would not be here today!”

“Just one shot to my estranged husband’s knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. The amount I saved in lawyer’s fees was really incredible, and his life insurance was a really big bonus!”

lol I have a very small 22 i carry in my pack when out in the woods. I 've always called it my bear gun when someone asks me why i call it that its too small to shoot a bear with i say " you don't have to outrun the bear you just have to outrun your whoever is with you". That's why the experts say you never go in the woods by yourself lol

Worked in a prison for 30 years if I aint shiny every time I comment its no big deal, I just don't wave pompoms.

“I won’t be wronged, I won’t be insulted, and I won’t be laid a hand on. I don’t do these things to other people, and I require the same from them.” THE DUKE!

  • 2 weeks later...
  • Members
Posted

Husband's car won't start, so he calls the wife and asks her to pick him up in the truck.

"That' wont' start either," the wife tells him.

"What? Why won't it start?"

"It's got water in the carburetor," she replies.

"Honey, you know NOTHING about engines. How do you know that's why it won't start?"

"Because our son decided to try to drive today. Your truck's in the swimming pool!"

 

  • 1 month later...
  • CFM
Posted

This economy sucks even the manufacturers are having trouble, the other day I heard the company that makes yardsticks wasn't going to make them any longer. :crazy:

Worked in a prison for 30 years if I aint shiny every time I comment its no big deal, I just don't wave pompoms.

“I won’t be wronged, I won’t be insulted, and I won’t be laid a hand on. I don’t do these things to other people, and I require the same from them.” THE DUKE!

  • Contributing Member
Posted

good one.  :lol:   I've not heard that one before

Al speling misteaks aer all mi own werk..

  • 1 month later...
  • Members
Posted (edited)

Best joke I've come across in quite some time! 

A punter was at the horse races playing the ponies.
He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.
 
Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.
The punter made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race.
He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next.
 
He bet big on it, and it won. As the races continued the Priest kept blessing long shots, and each one ended up winning. The punter was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.
True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.
This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. The punter knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.
 
He watched dumbfounded as the old nag came in last. In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was.
Confronting Him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse blessed lost by a mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings!'.
 
The Priest nodded, wisely and with sympathy.
'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants.  You can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and Last Rites.'
 
 
Edited by Sheilajeanne
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Posted

 If your Mum farts in the car, do you keep you mouth shut, or risk death by saying a smart a**se comment ......while casually winding the window down ? 

Or, you could say , " OMG, there must be a chicken farm nearby " ....even though you're in the CBD :whistle:

Or " There must be sewerage works somewhere"....... while getting an evil look :devil:

HS 

' I have a very gweat friend in Wome called Biggus Dickus,

He has a wife you know, do you know whats she's called? Incontinentia.......Incontinentia Buttocks '  :rofl:

  • CFM
Posted
2 hours ago, Handstitched said:

 If your Mum farts in the car, do you keep you mouth shut, or risk death by saying a smart a**se comment ......while casually winding the window down ? 

Or, you could say , " OMG, there must be a chicken farm nearby " ....even though you're in the CBD :whistle:

Or " There must be sewerage works somewhere"....... while getting an evil look :devil:

HS 

I always started singing this, while rolling the window down. lol  

 

Worked in a prison for 30 years if I aint shiny every time I comment its no big deal, I just don't wave pompoms.

“I won’t be wronged, I won’t be insulted, and I won’t be laid a hand on. I don’t do these things to other people, and I require the same from them.” THE DUKE!

  • Members
Posted
26 minutes ago, chuck123wapati said:

I always started singing this, while rolling the window down. lol  

That tune is pretty catchy, I have to admit, probably start singing that myself    :)  I dare anyone to pick up those skunks :devil::no: Smell like burnt rubber....apparently :dunno:

 All we get is ' dead roo's in the middle of the road'  and the occasional Wallaby or Emu  . However, a decent sized  roo can right off a car.  

' I have a very gweat friend in Wome called Biggus Dickus,

He has a wife you know, do you know whats she's called? Incontinentia.......Incontinentia Buttocks '  :rofl:

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