Jokes for 2023

[chuck123wapati]

On 3/26/2023 at 7:15 AM, fredk said:

good one.     I've not heard that one before

hey set your messenger to recieve messages lol i tried to send this to you. PS not a joke

Hey Fred i just had to have you check this out. i gather you and your kids are archers from previous posts so i had to show this jig to you. It is for making arrow shafts.. I don't how far you folks go into making your own arrows but i have for years but i always had to buy my shafts which are now really expensive over here. I found this jig on the net while lurking around.  I made one and it works like a charm once you get it adjusted. I made a dozen shafts in 30 minutes from a douglas fir 2"x4' costing 4 bucks lol. I'm friggin ecstatic lol. I figured it was just as easy showing you the original thread instead of taking pics of my messy garage. Anyway here it is, i'm going outside to shoot lol.

http://www.primitivearcher.com/smf/index.php/topic,44952.0.html

[fredk]

Interesting, thanks, 

But the cost of machinery and getting good proper wood outweighs the minimal cost I pay for proper weighted shafts

[chuck123wapati]

10 hours ago, fredk said:

Interesting, thanks, 

But the cost of machinery and getting good proper wood outweighs the minimal cost I pay for proper weighted shafts

i figured you folks may have wood working tools Oh well, out of the 12, 10 were spined well within the tolerances of store bought and the two i fletched up fly perfectly. Douglas fir is one of many proper arrow woods over here what do you folks use?   Oh man i just realized while writing i can make footed arrows now too cant wait to try that.

 

My next build, if life stays on track, is going to be a take down recurve always wanted one never could afford one, still cant lol.

[billybopp]

A priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into a clinic to give blood.  The nursed asked the rabbit "What is your blood type?"  He replied "I am probably a type O."

-Bill

[Handstitched]

7 minutes ago, billybopp said:

Bill

Ha !!! Quite like that   

' Two old  ladies having a chat over a cuppa at a cafe' , one says to the other " did you come on the bus? Yeh, but I made it look like an asthma attack " 

HS

[fredk]

4 hours ago, chuck123wapati said:

i figured you folks may have wood working tools Oh well, out of the 12, 10 were spined well within the tolerances of store bought and the two i fletched up fly perfectly. Douglas fir is one of many proper arrow woods over here what do you folks use?   . . . 

I only, or did only, shoot traditional Long Bow. My prefered wood for arrow shafts is Port Orford Cedar or Ash. Ash is now hard to get in the UK because a disease has wiped out the ash trees. Also; I have a long draw so standard 32 inch shafts are too short for me. I used to get shafts made by a specialist who made mine 35 inch long in P.O. Cedar, made them for my bow strength and made the shafts with the traditional belly and not dead straight. I think that can only be done by hand or by specialist machines. afair I used to pay about £24 for 6 for the shafts. I added in buffalo horn in the nock and of course whipped on goose feathers. I never had to buy many during a year as they rarely broke, got damaged or lost, but knicked ? (stolen), er occasionally

[chuck123wapati]

18 hours ago, fredk said:

I only, or did only, shoot traditional Long Bow. My prefered wood for arrow shafts is Port Orford Cedar or Ash. Ash is now hard to get in the UK because a disease has wiped out the ash trees. Also; I have a long draw so standard 32 inch shafts are too short for me. I used to get shafts made by a specialist who made mine 35 inch long in P.O. Cedar, made them for my bow strength and made the shafts with the traditional belly and not dead straight. I think that can only be done by hand or by specialist machines. afair I used to pay about £24 for 6 for the shafts. I added in buffalo horn in the nock and of course whipped on goose feathers. I never had to buy many during a year as they rarely broke, got damaged or lost, but knicked ? (stolen), er occasionally

i've used a lot of P.O, cedar arrows as well. I forget traditional archery means something different over here lol. My arrows don't have a good life, a great deal of my practice is in the field, stump shooting or hunting so i go through at least a dozen a year. A dozen arrows built like you use, custom built would be about $150 bucks. I did order a dozen po shafts, plus fletching and knocks cheapest i could find is $80 to build my own. 

[chuck123wapati]

23 hours ago, billybopp said:

A priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into a clinic to give blood.  The nursed asked the rabbit "What is your blood type?"  He replied "I am probably a type O."

-Bill

 

22 hours ago, Handstitched said:

Ha !!! Quite like that   

' Two old  ladies having a chat over a cuppa at a cafe' , one says to the other " did you come on the bus? Yeh, but I made it look like an asthma attack " 

HS

   i heard one similar about two old biker babes lol. did you come on your bike? yea at least twice.

[fredk]

An archery type joke. You'll need to check English history for this if you don't know it already

Harold Godwinson, sometimes called King Harold, was getting his army into place to fight the Norman invaders led by Duke William the bastard

As Harold was getting ready a giant of a karl carrying four long spears approached and said ' Lord, I claim the right to fight by your side, in your bodyguard. I fought alongside you at Stamford Bridge 3 weeks ago. There I killed at least 50 of the invaders with my trusty spears. And my father has fought in the Royal bodyguard afore me'

'Let me see what you can do' says Harold

The spearman takes out an apple, gives it to an axe thrower and tells him to throw it high, far and as fast as he can. As the apple flies through the air, high and far the spearman throws one of his spears after it. The spear strikes and slices the apple exactly in two.

'Impressive' says Harold 'you have earned the right to fight on my right side, close by me'

Then an axeman approaches. 'I too claim the right to fight by your side Lord, I too was at Stamford Bridge and killed many invaders. I have fought in the Royal Bodyguard for many years, as did my father and his father before him'

'Let me see what you can do' says Harold

The axeman takes out an apple, throws it high into the air. As the apple flies through the air the axeman cuts his axe blade, like a flash of lightning, at the apple. The apple comes down in thin neatly cut slices

'Impressive' says Harold 'you have earned the right to fight on my left side, close by me'

Then a very elderly archer approaches. He says  'I too claim the right to fight by your side Lord. I didn't manage to get to Stamford Bridge. T'was a bit too far for me arthritis. but I have fought in the Royal Bodyguard for many years, as did my father and his father before him and his father before, all the way back to King Alfred'

'Let me see what you can do' says Harold

The archer takes out an apple, gives it to an axe thrower and tells him to throw it far and as fast as he can. As the apple flies through the air, fast and far the archer takes an arrow and lets fly. The arrow misses the apple and hits an ox pulling a cart. The archer gets another apple, does the same, the arrow misses and hits the ox cart driver in the arse. Just as the archer was getting out a third apple -

' Enough! Impressive' says Harold 'you have earned the right to fight with the other archers on the left wing'

As the old archer walks away, happy that he impressed the King,  King Harold turns to his chief Huscarl and says 'Alfric, please keep that bluddy old fool away from me! He'll have somebody's eye out!' 

 

 

Here we see the proof; the spearman, on the left of the picture with the white shield, the axeman getting killed on the right of the picture and King Harold with that famous arrow-in-the-eye. But who shot the arrow??

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[tsunkasapa]

[Sheilajeanne]

Forgive me if you've heard this one before...it's a good one! And the good ones are worth repeating!

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.

 

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

 

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

 

The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

 

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper

 

[Sheilajeanne]

Dad joke of the day = okay it's kinda dumb but it made me laugh! Reminds me of the jokes we used to tell when we were kids, like why do elephants paint their toenails red?

So they can hide in cherry trees...

 

Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

A. 499

Q. What are three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator?

A. Open Door, put elephant in refrigerator, close door

Q. What are four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator?

A. Open door, take elephant out of refrigerator, put giraffe in refrigerator, close door

Q. The lion throws a huge birthday party. All the animals but one go. Which is it and why?

A. The giraffe: he's still in the refrigerator

Q. Sally swims across an alligator infested river and doesn't get eaten. How?

A. The alligators are at the lion's birthday party

Q. Sally is found dead within the next 5 minutes: why?

A. She was hit by a brick falling from the sky

[Sheilajeanne]

Ohh  yeah, we've all had that one person...  Love it, though I probably would never had had the guts to actually do it!

 

[fredk]

That deserves      

I like it, I must try to remember it

Edited June 5, 2023 by fredk

[Bert03241]

On 3/26/2023 at 5:59 AM, chuck123wapati said:

This economy sucks even the manufacturers are having trouble, the other day I heard the company that makes yardsticks wasn't going to make them any longer. 

sad Chuck really sad LOL

[Sheilajeanne]

A local bar was so sure that its barman was the strongest man in the Village that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The barman would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out and challenge any man to squeeze out another drop.

Weightlifters, arm wrestlers, they all tried and lost the bet.

 

Then one day, a scrawny little man, (if he stood sideways you would not see him) wearing scratched glasses, a ten year old polyester suit, walked in and said, “I'd like to take on the bet."

 

After the laughter had died down, the barman said, "Okay", grabbed the lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the lemon rind to the little man.

 

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence....as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

 

As the barman paid the $1000 bet, he asked "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a metal worker, a weight-lifter, or what?"

 

The little man quietly replied: "I’m a tax collector.”

[Handstitched]

1 hour ago, Sheilajeanne said:

The little man quietly replied: "I’m a tax collector

I needed that       It does remind me of ' Rimmer in ' Red Dwarf  being chased  by someone from ' inland revenue '  with a hammer in his hands, across the the other side of the universe.  " Now where's those little thumbies ???  "    

HS

[fredk]

One of my wife's aunts, named Elsie, was a tax collector. She stood about 5ft 2, was very 'rotund' and within the family a very quite and pleasant person, A 'sweet' lady - the 'aunt' you always wanted. But when she was on a case she was a real bulldog. Another aunt worked with her in the tax office, but just on paperwork. She told us that whenever a tough case came up the message went around 'Send in Elsie!'  Although she was based in Belfast, N.I. all the other UK tax offices would send for her. One of her famous cases was getting £50,000 in back taxes off a farmer who claimed poverty and unable to pay. She got the money in cash from the money he kept in a bed mattress in a spare room

[Handstitched]

This is not a joke, but some  funny s**t that happened in my part of the universe . 

Some many  moons ago, coming back from my bank in another town 35 mins away, theres a freight train parallel  to the road to my right , a gazilion miles long , he must have been empty given the direction and speed..  Freight trains carrying grain are a  common sight here  in the bush. I was in my ye' olde'  68 series 2A Landy  LWB.  To give you and idea how close the road is to the track,  I waved to the driver and he waved to me,  but then , trying to beat  him and the crossing ahead of me   I put my foot down....and he did the same .  WTF ??? The cheeky bugger !!!!!!

It was on !!!! I could hear  the revs go up on his loco's ...so I put my foot down further...and he did the same.... up goes the revs again,  WTF ??  .. ..and remember, I'm in my Landy, , not exactly a 'hot rod'.  So for the next few minutes we're going ' hammer and tongs'  side by side, I could see the crossing ahead .. racing racing racing... what a rush ... but......f***k it !!!  ...too late!!

He beat me ...."hoooooonk" went his horn  and a few ( kind) waves were exchanged as I waited patiently  for him to pass  

 He was no doubt going beyond his regulations, but thats the only time I have had a drag race with a freight train,   it was so much fun, but its kinda embarrassing that a freight train  is faster than my ol Landy  

HS

[Sheilajeanne]

Well, I guess the job gets pretty boring, with nothing but long stretches of track and bush or plains...

But what a risky way to get some excitement in his life!  

Even if I'd been in something sportier than a Landy, I would have backed down, too. No messing with that much weight and power! YIKES!!

[Handstitched]

On 7/1/2023 at 6:13 AM, Sheilajeanne said:

No messing with that much weight and power! YIKES!!

I'm just surprised my brakes worked as well as they did, thank God !! 

I had a crop sprayer plane next to me  coming back home once.  I was on what is known as the ' top road'   in my part of town. A beautiful scenic route, popular with the 'out-of towners' and tooo-wrists ( and no cops)  .  Just driving along in my ol' Landy,  and out of the blue,  the plane was pretty much beside me to my right. Once again , I waved to the pilot and he waved to me. So for the next kilometre  or so ,  we were beside each other, I thought it was pretty cool . My old  Landy is a ex-military 68 LWB  btw,  , maybe thats why .  I do miss driving  my ol Landy. Its now sitting in my paddock looking quite sad.  You don't need gym's , just drive an old Landy  , you get plenty of exercise.  

HS

[chuck123wapati]

2 hours ago, Handstitched said:

I'm just surprised my brakes worked as well as they did, thank God !! 

I had a crop sprayer plane next to me  coming back home once.  I was on what is known as the ' top road'   in my part of town. A beautiful scenic route, popular with the 'out-of towners' and tooo-wrists ( and no cops)  .  Just driving along in my ol' Landy,  and out of the blue,  the plane was pretty much beside me to my right. Once again , I waved to the pilot and he waved to me. So for the next kilometre  or so ,  we were beside each other, I thought it was pretty cool . My old  Landy is a ex-military 68 LWB  btw,  , maybe thats why .  I do miss driving  my ol Landy. Its now sitting in my paddock looking quite sad.  You don't need gym's , just drive an old Landy  , you get plenty of exercise.  

HS

Fun times indeed,  reminds me of the old red neck saying "hold my beer and watch this!" 

lol sounds like my old Jeep, manual steering manual brakes meaning both feet if your over 50 mph. Wish i had an old Landy they are to cool. I love old iron!!

[chuck123wapati]

2 hours ago, Handstitched said:

I'm just surprised my brakes worked as well as they did, thank God !! 

I had a crop sprayer plane next to me  coming back home once.  I was on what is known as the ' top road'   in my part of town. A beautiful scenic route, popular with the 'out-of towners' and tooo-wrists ( and no cops)  .  Just driving along in my ol' Landy,  and out of the blue,  the plane was pretty much beside me to my right. Once again , I waved to the pilot and he waved to me. So for the next kilometre  or so ,  we were beside each other, I thought it was pretty cool . My old  Landy is a ex-military 68 LWB  btw,  , maybe thats why .  I do miss driving  my ol Landy. Its now sitting in my paddock looking quite sad.  You don't need gym's , just drive an old Landy  , you get plenty of exercise.  

HS

Back about 1985 i bought this old 67 beat up ford Bronco, it was the Ford version of a Jeep but it had the ford three speed tranny and the Ford 9"  rear diff that was the standard hook up for Ford street rods back then. It came with a gutless 289 ci v8 so i figured a nice 351 ci Windsor would help out a bit in the power department. I.m not one for looks but i do fix all the mechanics lol and this old 351 was a brute out of an68 Merc. It made a real sleeper as they call them lol. One evening while out driving a close friend pulled up to me in his new Dodge Charger and his new girl friend,. He jokingly bumped the throttle once to ask for a race we both bumped the throttle twice to say ok then on three i downshifted and gave it to her when i shifted again back into third i was a  half car length ahead  my tires chirped and i was gone LOL. He pulled up to me at the next light  " Damn that thing is fast" His gal was laughing and he didn't talk to me again for weeks never tried to race me again. Top end with 4:11 gears  was only about 70 but it didn't take long to get there.

[Handstitched]

9 hours ago, chuck123wapati said:

It made a real sleeper as they call them lol.

I had an old 63 Valiant that was a bit of a sleeper   , a 3sp column shift, 225 slant 6 . A little fart a**se  4cyl buzz box  early Ford Laser thought he try it on ,   on a major hwy to the Wheatbelt , he shouldn't have bothered...I was gone .  I needed to blow the cobwebs  off the 225  anyway, as one of the plugs was miss firing, not after that it wasn't .  Not much of a challenge, but still fun. 

Miss that Valiant 

HS

[Sheilajeanne]

When my husband and I were living in a rented house, the landlord told us this story about the hot car his brother had owned when they were young. I'm sorry I can't remember the details of make, model, etc. as this was more than 20 years ago, but it was definitely a sleeper.

When the cops pulled him over for speeding on the highway, they were more interested in seeing what was under the hood than giving  him a ticket!  He'd left their cruisers in the dust, and only got pulled over because they radioed a squad car that was further up the highway.

Edited July 3, 2023 by Sheilajeanne