Members Sheilajeanne Posted June 25, 2023 Members Report Posted June 25, 2023 A local bar was so sure that its barman was the strongest man in the Village that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The barman would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out and challenge any man to squeeze out another drop. Weightlifters, arm wrestlers, they all tried and lost the bet. Then one day, a scrawny little man, (if he stood sideways you would not see him) wearing scratched glasses, a ten year old polyester suit, walked in and said, “I'd like to take on the bet." After the laughter had died down, the barman said, "Okay", grabbed the lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the lemon rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence....as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the barman paid the $1000 bet, he asked "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a metal worker, a weight-lifter, or what?" The little man quietly replied: "I’m a tax collector.”
Members Handstitched Posted June 25, 2023 Members Report Posted June 25, 2023 1 hour ago, Sheilajeanne said: The little man quietly replied: "I’m a tax collector I needed that It does remind me of ' Rimmer in ' Red Dwarf being chased by someone from ' inland revenue ' with a hammer in his hands, across the the other side of the universe. " Now where's those little thumbies ??? " HS ' I have a very gweat friend in Wome called Biggus Dickus, He has a wife you know, do you know whats she's called? Incontinentia.......Incontinentia Buttocks '
Contributing Member fredk Posted June 25, 2023 Author Contributing Member Report Posted June 25, 2023 One of my wife's aunts, named Elsie, was a tax collector. She stood about 5ft 2, was very 'rotund' and within the family a very quite and pleasant person, A 'sweet' lady - the 'aunt' you always wanted. But when she was on a case she was a real bulldog. Another aunt worked with her in the tax office, but just on paperwork. She told us that whenever a tough case came up the message went around 'Send in Elsie!' Although she was based in Belfast, N.I. all the other UK tax offices would send for her. One of her famous cases was getting £50,000 in back taxes off a farmer who claimed poverty and unable to pay. She got the money in cash from the money he kept in a bed mattress in a spare room Al speling misteaks aer all mi own werk..
Members Handstitched Posted June 30, 2023 Members Report Posted June 30, 2023 This is not a joke, but some funny s**t that happened in my part of the universe . Some many moons ago, coming back from my bank in another town 35 mins away, theres a freight train parallel to the road to my right , a gazilion miles long , he must have been empty given the direction and speed.. Freight trains carrying grain are a common sight here in the bush. I was in my ye' olde' 68 series 2A Landy LWB. To give you and idea how close the road is to the track, I waved to the driver and he waved to me, but then , trying to beat him and the crossing ahead of me I put my foot down....and he did the same . WTF ??? The cheeky bugger !!!!!! It was on !!!! I could hear the revs go up on his loco's ...so I put my foot down further...and he did the same.... up goes the revs again, WTF ?? .. ..and remember, I'm in my Landy, , not exactly a 'hot rod'. So for the next few minutes we're going ' hammer and tongs' side by side, I could see the crossing ahead .. racing racing racing... what a rush ... but......f***k it !!! ...too late!! He beat me ...."hoooooonk" went his horn and a few ( kind) waves were exchanged as I waited patiently for him to pass He was no doubt going beyond his regulations, but thats the only time I have had a drag race with a freight train, it was so much fun, but its kinda embarrassing that a freight train is faster than my ol Landy HS ' I have a very gweat friend in Wome called Biggus Dickus, He has a wife you know, do you know whats she's called? Incontinentia.......Incontinentia Buttocks '
Members Sheilajeanne Posted June 30, 2023 Members Report Posted June 30, 2023 Well, I guess the job gets pretty boring, with nothing but long stretches of track and bush or plains... But what a risky way to get some excitement in his life! Even if I'd been in something sportier than a Landy, I would have backed down, too. No messing with that much weight and power! YIKES!!
Members Handstitched Posted July 2, 2023 Members Report Posted July 2, 2023 On 7/1/2023 at 6:13 AM, Sheilajeanne said: No messing with that much weight and power! YIKES!! I'm just surprised my brakes worked as well as they did, thank God !! I had a crop sprayer plane next to me coming back home once. I was on what is known as the ' top road' in my part of town. A beautiful scenic route, popular with the 'out-of towners' and tooo-wrists ( and no cops) . Just driving along in my ol' Landy, and out of the blue, the plane was pretty much beside me to my right. Once again , I waved to the pilot and he waved to me. So for the next kilometre or so , we were beside each other, I thought it was pretty cool . My old Landy is a ex-military 68 LWB btw, , maybe thats why . I do miss driving my ol Landy. Its now sitting in my paddock looking quite sad. You don't need gym's , just drive an old Landy , you get plenty of exercise. HS ' I have a very gweat friend in Wome called Biggus Dickus, He has a wife you know, do you know whats she's called? Incontinentia.......Incontinentia Buttocks '
CFM chuck123wapati Posted July 2, 2023 CFM Report Posted July 2, 2023 2 hours ago, Handstitched said: I'm just surprised my brakes worked as well as they did, thank God !! I had a crop sprayer plane next to me coming back home once. I was on what is known as the ' top road' in my part of town. A beautiful scenic route, popular with the 'out-of towners' and tooo-wrists ( and no cops) . Just driving along in my ol' Landy, and out of the blue, the plane was pretty much beside me to my right. Once again , I waved to the pilot and he waved to me. So for the next kilometre or so , we were beside each other, I thought it was pretty cool . My old Landy is a ex-military 68 LWB btw, , maybe thats why . I do miss driving my ol Landy. Its now sitting in my paddock looking quite sad. You don't need gym's , just drive an old Landy , you get plenty of exercise. HS Fun times indeed, reminds me of the old red neck saying "hold my beer and watch this!" lol sounds like my old Jeep, manual steering manual brakes meaning both feet if your over 50 mph. Wish i had an old Landy they are to cool. I love old iron!! Worked in a prison for 30 years if I aint shiny every time I comment its no big deal, I just don't wave pompoms. “I won’t be wronged, I won’t be insulted, and I won’t be laid a hand on. I don’t do these things to other people, and I require the same from them.” THE DUKE!
CFM chuck123wapati Posted July 2, 2023 CFM Report Posted July 2, 2023 2 hours ago, Handstitched said: I'm just surprised my brakes worked as well as they did, thank God !! I had a crop sprayer plane next to me coming back home once. I was on what is known as the ' top road' in my part of town. A beautiful scenic route, popular with the 'out-of towners' and tooo-wrists ( and no cops) . Just driving along in my ol' Landy, and out of the blue, the plane was pretty much beside me to my right. Once again , I waved to the pilot and he waved to me. So for the next kilometre or so , we were beside each other, I thought it was pretty cool . My old Landy is a ex-military 68 LWB btw, , maybe thats why . I do miss driving my ol Landy. Its now sitting in my paddock looking quite sad. You don't need gym's , just drive an old Landy , you get plenty of exercise. HS Back about 1985 i bought this old 67 beat up ford Bronco, it was the Ford version of a Jeep but it had the ford three speed tranny and the Ford 9" rear diff that was the standard hook up for Ford street rods back then. It came with a gutless 289 ci v8 so i figured a nice 351 ci Windsor would help out a bit in the power department. I.m not one for looks but i do fix all the mechanics lol and this old 351 was a brute out of an68 Merc. It made a real sleeper as they call them lol. One evening while out driving a close friend pulled up to me in his new Dodge Charger and his new girl friend,. He jokingly bumped the throttle once to ask for a race we both bumped the throttle twice to say ok then on three i downshifted and gave it to her when i shifted again back into third i was a half car length ahead my tires chirped and i was gone LOL. He pulled up to me at the next light " Damn that thing is fast" His gal was laughing and he didn't talk to me again for weeks never tried to race me again. Top end with 4:11 gears was only about 70 but it didn't take long to get there. Worked in a prison for 30 years if I aint shiny every time I comment its no big deal, I just don't wave pompoms. “I won’t be wronged, I won’t be insulted, and I won’t be laid a hand on. I don’t do these things to other people, and I require the same from them.” THE DUKE!
Members Handstitched Posted July 3, 2023 Members Report Posted July 3, 2023 9 hours ago, chuck123wapati said: It made a real sleeper as they call them lol. I had an old 63 Valiant that was a bit of a sleeper , a 3sp column shift, 225 slant 6 . A little fart a**se 4cyl buzz box early Ford Laser thought he try it on , on a major hwy to the Wheatbelt , he shouldn't have bothered...I was gone . I needed to blow the cobwebs off the 225 anyway, as one of the plugs was miss firing, not after that it wasn't . Not much of a challenge, but still fun. Miss that Valiant HS ' I have a very gweat friend in Wome called Biggus Dickus, He has a wife you know, do you know whats she's called? Incontinentia.......Incontinentia Buttocks '
Members Sheilajeanne Posted July 3, 2023 Members Report Posted July 3, 2023 (edited) When my husband and I were living in a rented house, the landlord told us this story about the hot car his brother had owned when they were young. I'm sorry I can't remember the details of make, model, etc. as this was more than 20 years ago, but it was definitely a sleeper. When the cops pulled him over for speeding on the highway, they were more interested in seeing what was under the hood than giving him a ticket! He'd left their cruisers in the dust, and only got pulled over because they radioed a squad car that was further up the highway. Edited July 3, 2023 by Sheilajeanne
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