2024, for fun

[bladegrinder]

Here's a video of some North Florida hummingbirds, the clicking sound on the video is the camera, it's on it's way out. I had this out in the woods for a couple years and it was sitting in my shop so I figured I'd put it in front of this feeder. I have to refill this thing around every five days, theirs a bunch of them going to it.

https://youtu.be/InNUxrTUAfc

[Sheilajeanne]

This is an old one, but a good one - it's also true!

A number of years ago, a radio station decided to have a competition to see which of their listeners had the funniest embarrassing story. This one was voted the winner.

A woman phone in to say she had an appointment with her gynecologist one afternoon, but due to traffic problems was running late. She came home from shopping, stashed her purchases away as fast as she could, then ran to the bathroom. She wanted to make sure everything was clean 'down below' before going to her appointment. The only washcloth she could find was one lying beside the sink. It was already wet, so she grabbed it and gave her privates a quick scrub, then tossed the cloth into the laundry hamper.

She made it to the appointment barely on time, and was soon ushered into the exam room. When the gynecologist came in to examine her, he commented "My, you did make a special effort today!"

The comment puzzled her, but she didn't ask why he'd said that.

When she got home, her daughter came to her. "Mom, I spilled some glitter earlier this afternoon. Have you seen the cloth I used to wipe it up? I left it beside the bathroom sink!"

 

 

[Sheilajeanne]

Apparently it's become a 'thing' for vegans to slap labels on things like bacon or pork chops/roast, with a picture of a pig, and a label that says "My name was (fill in the blank).

Which reminds me of a true story... A city slicker once asked one of my farm cousins if they named their pigs. He replied, "Yes, I've named these three 'Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner!'

Yeah, hands off my bacon, vegans! 

 

[Mablung]

1 hour ago, Sheilajeanne said:

Apparently it's become a 'thing' for vegans to slap labels on things like bacon or pork chops/roast, with a picture of a pig, and a label that says "My name was (fill in the blank).

Which reminds me of a true story... A city slicker once asked one of my farm cousins if they named their pigs. He replied, "Yes, I've named these three 'Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner!'

Yeah, hands off my bacon, vegans! 

 

I’d just write “Wilbur” on all the stickers. And then tell people casually that I’d eaten Wilbur for breakfast that morning. 

[fredk]

As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can't always trust Google Maps

 

Yesterday I bought a world map, gave my wife a dart, and said, "Throw this and wherever it lands, I will take you on vacation."

We're spending 3 weeks behind the fridge.

 

What Bob Marley music do AWAC pilots play when on opps??

We're  Jamin.

 

I took my suit to the cleaners, who wanted to charge me 40 quid, so I gave it to the charity shop next door.

They cleaned and pressed it and put it in the window. I bought it back for £15

[Sheilajeanne]

Laughing way too hard at this! 

 

[fredk]

An elderly man rear-ended a guy driving an expensive European sports car. Enraged, the guy hops out and confronts the old man. He yells,

"Look what you did to my car! You're going to give me $10,000 right now or I'm going to beat you to a pulp!"

"Oh my…" the old man said nervously. "I don't have that kind of money. Let me call my son.” he said with hope. “He trains dolphins and he will know what to do."

"Dolphins!" the other driver huffed, while rolling his eyes.

The old man pulled out his phone, dialed his son, and just as his son answered, the irate man snatched the phone away from the old man.

"So, YOU'RE a dolphin trainer, huh?” The irate man yelled, “Well, your old man here just rear-ended my car and I need TEN GRAND right now, or I'm going to beat you AND your old man to a pulp!"

"I'll be there in 10 minutes." says the voice calmly on the other end.

Exactly 10 minutes later, a Jeep pulls up and a guy hops out and proceeds to pulverize the bully, leaving him in a heap on the side of the road. When he finished, he walked over to his father and said,

"For the last time dad, I train Seals… Navy Seals. NOT dolphins!”

[Sheilajeanne]

  At first I thought the son was going to be a trainer for the Miami Dolphins football team! But yeah. Navy Seals is even better...

[fredk]

That is exactly what I thot and expected when I first read that joke

[Sheilajeanne]

Sooo true!  

 

[fredk]

I heard this one many years ago

During WW2 an American Air Force unit was based in the English countryside. The Air Force personnel used to use the local pub

One day an experienced Air Force man was with a new arrival. As they came to the pub one says

'These English yokels are so dumb. Wait till you see this'

They approached two locals who were having a drink at a table

The Airman put down a nickel and a dime and said

'Tell me which you think is worth more'

One local looked at the two coins, scratched his head, then said 'Arr, now Oi thinks the bigger shinier coin be worth more'

The Airmen laughed at this and walked on into the pub leaving the nickel and dime on the table

The second local says to the first 'ere Henry, you know rightly that the dime is worth twice the nickel'

'Aye, I do that, but if I said so they'd stop playing this game' then he showed his friend a bucket under table 'so far I've made $30 this month playing this game with the US airmen'

 

Edited October 5, 2024 by fredk

[Handstitched]

On 10/6/2024 at 5:52 AM, fredk said:

During WW2 an American Air Force unit was based in the English countryside.

I was born in Haverhill, Suffolk ,  and there was a US airbase not far away from Haverhill plus a few others. Even back then, they were still on alert as the air raid siren used go off , scaring the shite out of me. Something I'll never forget. 

 

HS

[toxo]

 

 

12 BOTTLES OF WHISKEY.

 

I had 12 bottles of whiskey in the cellar and my wife decided she was fed up with me getting drunk and so ordered me to empty each and every one of them down the sink - or else!!! So knowing what “or else” might mean I proceeded with the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork from the 1^st bottle & poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one small glass, which I drank. I extracted the cork from the 2nd bottle and did likewise with the exception of one small glass which I drank. I withdrew the cork from the 3^rd bottle and poured the booze down the sink with the exception (not wanting to create a precedent) of one glass which I drank. I pulled the cork from the 4^th sink and poured the bottle down the sink which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next one and drank one sink and poured the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass & poured the cork down the bottle. I pulled the next cork out of my throat, poured the sink down the bottle and drank the glass. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

 

When I had emptied everything, I steadied the house with one hand and counted all the bottles & corks & glasses with the other hand & there were 29. To be sure, the next time they came around I counted them again and counted 74. I was sure I had em all this time but there was one glass left which I drank.

 

[Handstitched]

Reminds me of the song '"Ten Green  Bottles Hanging on the Wall "...... Try singing that after a few  whisky's  . 

 

HS

[OliviaWildson]

On 8/18/2024 at 8:29 PM, fredk said:

An elderly man rear-ended a guy driving an expensive European sports car. Enraged, the guy hops out and confronts the old man. He yells,

"Look what you did to my car! You're going to give me $10,000 right now or I'm going to beat you to a pulp!"

"Oh my…" the old man said nervously. "I don't have that kind of money. Let me call my son.” he said with hope. “He trains dolphins and he will know what to do."

"Dolphins!" the other driver huffed, while rolling his eyes.

The old man pulled out his phone, dialed his son, and just as his son answered, the irate man snatched the phone away from the old man.

"So, YOU'RE a dolphin trainer, huh?” The irate man yelled, “Well, your old man here just rear-ended my car and I need TEN GRAND right now, or I'm going to beat you AND your old man to a pulp!"

"I'll be there in 10 minutes." says the voice calmly on the other end.

Exactly 10 minutes later, a Jeep pulls up and a guy hops out and proceeds to pulverize the bully, leaving him in a heap on the side of the road. When he finished, he walked over to his father and said,

"For the last time dad, I train Seals… Navy Seals. NOT dolphins!”

nice story

[OliviaWildson]

On 8/18/2024 at 6:29 PM, fredk said:

An elderly man rear-ended a guy driving an expensive European sports car. Enraged, the guy hops out and confronts the old man. He yells,

"Look what you did to my car! You're going to give me $10,000 right now or I'm going to beat you to a pulp!"

"Oh my…" the old man said nervously. "I don't have that kind of money. Let me call my son.” he said with hope. “He trains dolphins and he will know what to do."

"Dolphins!" the other driver huffed, while rolling his eyes.

The old man pulled out his phone, dialed his son, and just as his son answered, the irate man snatched the phone away from the old man.

"So, YOU'RE a dolphin trainer, huh?” The irate man yelled, “Well, your old man here just rear-ended my car and I need TEN GRAND right now, or I'm going to beat you AND your old man to a pulp!"

"I'll be there in 10 minutes." says the voice calmly on the other end.
 When he finished, he walked over to his father and said,

"For the last time dad, I train Seals… Navy Seals. NOT dolphins!”

Oh I remembered one more story

An old lady was driving her little hatchback through town when she accidentally sideswiped a flashy Ferrari parked on the street.

The Ferrari owner, a tall, muscular guy in a designer suit, storms out and yells, “Lady, do you have ANY idea how much this car costs? I’m calling the cops unless you give me $50,000 right now!”

The old lady, unbothered, pulls out her phone and says, “Hold on, let me call my grandson. He’ll know what to do.”

The guy smirks. “What’s he gonna do, little granny? Loan you fifty bucks?”

She dials her grandson, puts him on speaker, and calmly says, “Sweetie, there’s a man here threatening me over his fancy car. Can you come down and help?”

A deep, calm voice replies, “Be there in five minutes, Grandma.”

Exactly five minutes later, a black SUV screeches to a halt, and five massive men in black suits and sunglasses step out.

The guy in the Ferrari freezes as the biggest one approaches and says, “Which one of us do you want to explain the problem to?”

Without another word, the Ferrari owner jumps in his car and speeds off.

The old lady smiles sweetly. “Thanks, dear. I’ll see you boys at Sunday dinner.”

Edited December 9, 2024 by Northmount
Cleaned up Quote excessive white space