fredk Report post Posted January 6 The God of War rode out one day Upon his mighty filly. "I'm Thor!" he cried. His horse replied, "You forgot your thaddle, thilly." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Handstitched Report post Posted January 6 ' A bloke goes into a pub, sits down at the bar and orders a pint. ' Would you like anything to eat?' says the barman. The bloke looks at the menu and says , yes I'll have the ploughmans lunch please' . Here you are sir. A voice yells out , in a Somerset accent,, " 'ere , who too took moi lunch ?? ' HS Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Handstitched Report post Posted January 7 ' A nun in a convent that has taken up a vow of silence, is given dispensation by the Mother Superior every Christmas to speak a few words. " Sister, have you anything to say? says Mother Superior . '"Yes, my one of my sandals has broken , I'd like a new one. Another year passes " Have you anything to say?" " Yes, the nights have grown colder, I'd like an extra blanket please " Another year passes, " have you anything to say? " yes, my robe is getting thin...." " Sister!! says Mother Superior, in the past three years, have you got anything better to say , because all you've done is whinge , whinge , whinge !! " HS Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Handstitched Report post Posted January 7 ' Thor & Zeus got together for a one night stand. Thor gets up in the morning proclaiming his sexual ' prowess' . " I-am-Thor !! " " You're thor !! How do you think how I feel ?? " replied Zeus HS (C'mon @Northmount your turn, you started this ) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sheilajeanne Report post Posted January 7 Another gem from Pearls Before Swine: Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
fredk Report post Posted January 11 My 5 sewing machines have decided to go into entertainment and they want me to write the lyrics to their songs So I'm gong to be a Singer Song Writer Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sheilajeanne Report post Posted January 11 (edited) LOL! Another sewing machine joke: Edited January 11 by Sheilajeanne Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
fredk Report post Posted January 11 I used to be obsessed with certain farm machinery. I collected every thing to do with tractors by International, John Deere, Massey-Ferguson, Ferguson, Ford and others. Then I decided to sell my collection and move on. I'm an ex-tractor fan Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sheilajeanne Report post Posted January 12 (edited) A man travels to Spain and goes to a restaurant near the bull arena for a late dinner. He orders the house special and he is brought a plate with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects. "What's this?" he asks? "The Matador Special, Senor," the waiter replies. "What meat is it?" the man asks. "Cojones," the waiter explains, "They, are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon." At first the man is disgusted; but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it again. This time, the waiter brings out the plate, but the meaty objects are much smaller. "What's this?" he asks the waiter. "The Matador Special, senor," the waiter replies. "No, no," the man objects, "I had the Matador Special yesterday and it was much bigger than this." "Senor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not always lose." The worst pub I've ever been to was the Fiddle. It was a vile inn... Edited January 12 by Sheilajeanne Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
tsunkasapa Report post Posted January 20 DEER CAMP Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Ron's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire. "Dang man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'" I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did And then she said, "Do whatever you want." So, Here I am Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bladegrinder Report post Posted January 21 It seems like nothing is made in America anymore. I just bought a TV and it said, built in antenna...I don't even know where that is. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bladegrinder Report post Posted January 21 Ron told the wife he was really excited about the upcoming four day hunting trip, that's all he talked about, the night before he left he asked his wife to pack his clothes. so the next day he had all his deer hunting stuff in the truck, wife wished him good luck and off he went. After four days of hard drinking and gambling with his friends in Vegas he went home and the wife asked how it was staying out in the cold woods hunting, and did he get anything. he said, well I took a few shots at some nice deer but somehow I missed, I guess my scope is off, other then that it was kind of boring. but you must have forgot to pack my socks, I couldn't find any socks with my cloths. his wife say's, I put five pairs right on top of your rifle inside your gun case. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
fredk Report post Posted January 21 I wouldn't say it was cold but I just saw some brass monkeys down the town looking for a welder Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sheilajeanne Report post Posted January 21 (edited) In case you can't read it, the front of the statue says 'freeze indicator'! Edited January 21 by Sheilajeanne Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sheilajeanne Report post Posted January 29 There was once a young fisherman, who lived in a coastal village, who suffered the misfortune of a snapped paddle. This, of course, left his boat just about useless. Speaking to one of his neighbors, he asked where he might get a new one, as his old ones had always held up well. "Well, the carver lives just down the main street. But don't knock, he's not fond of company. Just leave three silver coins in a pouch on his stoop, and he'll leave the work outside his place with your pouch over the tip." 'And how will I know this hermit carver's home from any other? Lots of people live on the main street!" "There is a house, where new oars lean..." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bladegrinder Report post Posted January 31 Two old ladies are sitting on a park bench smoking cigarettes when it starts raining, the one old lady pulls a condom out of her purse, cuts the tip off and slides it over her cigarette to keep it dry and keeps puffing away. the other lady says, wow! that's a great idea, where did you get that? the old lady replies, it's a condom, you can buy them at any pharmacy. So next week when the other old lady goes to the pharmacy to pick up her medications she tells the nice young pharmacist "I'd like to buy a condom too", the young guy, kind of surprised say's well...good for you! we sell different sizes, do you know what size you need? The old lady replies, it needs to fit a Camel. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sheilajeanne Report post Posted January 31 Good 'un! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Handstitched Report post Posted January 31 "Two old ladies sitting on a park bench, when a naked man ran past. One had a stroke, the other couldn't quite reach " Its an oldie, but I like it HS Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
fredk Report post Posted January 31 Two old men sitting on a park bench when an old lady streaked past 'What was that Mavis was wearing' 'I dunno, but it needed ironing' Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sheilajeanne Report post Posted January 31 (edited) Two elderly people decided to get married, and for their wedding night, the husband bought his new wife a really nice silk negligee. When the wife went into the bathroom to get ready for bed, she decided to surprise her husband by returning to the bedroom totally naked. "Here I am, dear," she cooed He looked up at her (minus his glasses, of course), and scowled. "Dammit, for what I paid for that thing, at LEAST they could have ironed it!" Edited January 31 by Sheilajeanne Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sheilajeanne Report post Posted January 31 (edited) This (I'm paraphrasing, as I don't have the exact wording in front of me) is a court transcript from a case in the United States. Lawyer: Could you please describe the person you saw coming out of the house on the night Mr. X was killed? Witness: They were about 5' 9" tall, and had a short, dark beard and medium build. They were wearing a black bomber style jacket, and light coloured pants." Lawyer: And was this person male or female? Witness: Well, unless the circus was in town, I'm gonna go with male... Edited January 31 by Sheilajeanne Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
fredk Report post Posted January 31 I remember reading this many years ago At inquest. Lawyer to doctor; 'Did you perform the autopsy?' Doctor; 'yes' Lawyer; 'And was Mr ... dead at this time?' Doctor; 'I usually don't do autopsies on living subjects' Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sheilajeanne Report post Posted January 31 Apologies for one-upping you, Fred, but I used to have the book these were all taken from, and both yours and this one were in it, also the one I posted above! Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?" Witness: "No." Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?" Witness: "No." Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?" Witness: "No." Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?" Witness: "No." Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?" Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar." Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?" Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere." Oh, da burrrnn!! :D Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sheilajeanne Report post Posted January 31 The author has written two books about funny exchanges in the courtroom. I think the one I had was the first one - I seem to remember the picture of the two guys fencing on the cover. https://www.amazon.ca/Law-Disorder-Absurdly-Moments-Courts/dp/0393349535 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bladegrinder Report post Posted February 22 Two blondes are out at a farm. The one blonde is sitting in a row boat in the middle of a corn field, the other blond yells at her…what are doing out there in a boat? Get back here, we have work to do. The blond in the boat starts yelling and cussing at her. The other blonde near the farm house yells, if I could swim I’d come out there and smack you silly! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
