Jokes for 2023

[Handstitched]

From the ' comix' in our weekend paper: A few ladies talking around a table: 

Lady one: " My Mother said if you really wanted one , I'd have feed it, play with it and clean up its mess" 

Lady two: " so, you're getting a puppy?? " 

Lady one: " no a husband"  .

One for the ladies:

'What do you call that useless piece of skin at the end of a penis?'

'A Man ' 

HS

 

[Handstitched]

 'The sheriff goes into the saloon,  walks up to the bar,and said to the barman and said, " I'm looking for a man with a brown paper  hat, brown paper boots, , brown paper shirt, and  brown paper pants" 

' the barman says, "what do you want him for?' " 

"Rustlin'  " 

Ahem...

HS

[bladegrinder]

A man and his beautiful but kind of dim witted wife were sitting having breakfast together one morning, he was reading the morning news when he says to his wife, well… looks like there was a plane crash yesterday, says here that there were a lot of injuries and two Brazilian people were killed. His wife started crying and sobbing and her husband asked her what was wrong, she said that’s awful, how many is a Brazilian?

[chuck123wapati]

I'm not a procrastinator, I just like to plan ahead.

[Sheilajeanne]

A young kid was looking at a memorial plaque that was at the back of the church.

The priest came over, and they boy asked, "What are all these names, Reverend?"

"Those are the names of men who have died in the service," the priest replied.

The boy's eyes got really big. "Which service, Reverend - the 8:30 or the 10:30?" 

 

For the horse riders on this forum (yes, I know what this feels like...)

 

[Sheilajeanne]

One for deer hunting season:

 

 

[fredk]

Yesterday a hunter came round to sell me some meat

He offered me 8 legs of venison for $500

Do you think thats too dear?

[chuck123wapati]

7 minutes ago, fredk said:

Yesterday a hunter came round to sell me some meat

He offered me 8 legs of venison for $500

Do you think thats too dear?

   yes it is a leg of venison should be........... under a buck.

[Sheilajeanne]

LOL, Chuck and Fred!  

[chuck123wapati]

2 hours ago, Sheilajeanne said:

One for deer hunting season:

 

 

LOL i have three freezers and two fridges in my kitchen. 

[Sheilajeanne]

So, how many deer do you get on average? :D

 

[chuck123wapati]

32 minutes ago, Sheilajeanne said:

So, how many deer do you get on average? :D

 

usually and hopefully 4 deer, 4 elk, and a couple Antelope, wild caught fish and grouse not to mention a big portion of our garden.

[Handstitched]

" I like onions cos they make me fart, 

smelly out of my ar*se

But deep  from the heart "

That took me at least.um.....20 seconds  or less to think of,  LOL 

*I cooked up some onions for our burgers for tea*

HS

 

 

[Sheilajeanne]

Handstitched, although Canadian, I've had traditional English tea, complete with the fancy finger sandwiches, and the multi-tiered serving stand. And more than once. There used to be an old-fashioned English restaurant in a village not far from where I lived that served it, and I've also had it in several other locales. At no time EVER has tea included a burger, let alone onions!! 

You Aussies are NUTS!! 

Edited October 16, 2023 by Sheilajeanne

[fredk]

@Sheilajeanne ah, there you are misunderstanding.There is Tea and there is Tea. Tea at 4pm is tea, oodles of it, served with light sandwiches or scones or tea-cakes and rarely crumpets, or strumpets for some, but never ever coffee. Then there is Tea, from about 5pm, the early evening meal, followed by dessert and then followed by tea

Tea at 4pm is over by 4.20, 4.30 at the latest. Tea after 5pm lasts until 7pm at the latest, after that it starts to become Supper. Dinner is at mid-day-ish. Its a main meal whereas Lunch is at mi-day-ish but a light meal such as sandwiches, burgers et cetera

When I was in RAF at one station the Station C.O. was a traditional English officer. Orders were all work stopped at 4pm for Tea. Everyone on the station stopped working for a 15- 20 minutes Tea. We had volunteers called NAAFI who had Tea vans and they arrived outside the building I worked in at about 3.55, set up and tea &  buttered scones were ready at 4pm. A tea & scone cost 6d in old money, then 2 1/2p in the new money. (about 1c US) A nominal charge. And tea top-ups were free. Tea, scone and a ciggie at 4pm

hth

[Handstitched]

6 hours ago, Sheilajeanne said:

I've had traditional English tea,

Tea here is ' nosh, tucker , grub,  dinner, din dins ..... sh*t on a shingle , just kidding, and lunch is just, well, lunch . 

7 hours ago, Sheilajeanne said:

You Aussies are NUTS!!

Its helps   

3 hours ago, fredk said:

 light sandwiches or scones

Here , they seem to drop the ' e' in scones, and sometimes pronounced ' scons' , weird . The same with the pronunciation of  ' Avon '. Some may say Avon as in ' Ayvon' , I say Avon as in have . One is a river, the other is cosmetics company 

HS

[Sheilajeanne]

Fred, I was definitely referring to the 4 p.m. tea with sandwiches and scones and often other sweet goodies. And I thought dinner in the U.K. was traditionally 8 p.m.-ish, which is why you need tea to tide you over. 

[Handstitched]

4 hours ago, Sheilajeanne said:

And I thought dinner in the U.K. was traditionally 8 p.m.-ish, which is why you need tea to tide you over. 

We have a bucket of hot chips ( fries) for that, or a crumbed sausage  .  And breakfast is often  a hot meat pie from the bakery , an ' Aussie staple' . I had a goat curry meat pie yesterday morning, damn tasty too , a bit more ' madness' for ya .  

You're right, we are a bit nuts, most "normal"  people have a bowl of cereal, lol .

" Hey mate, what do yo put on your strawberries?? " 

" Horse manure"

Thats odd, I put fresh cream on mine "  

HS

Edited October 17, 2023 by Handstitched

[Sheilajeanne]

LOL, Handstitched!

I have fruit and yogurt for my brekkie. Most North American breakfast cereals are just a load of carbs and sugars - not what I want to start my day with! I will sometimes have Cheerios, which are unsweetened, or cook up some Quaker's oats (oatmeal).

And once in awhile, I cook up a pan of bacon and eggs, and have that with toast.

[chuck123wapati]

On 10/15/2023 at 4:12 AM, Handstitched said:

" I like onions cos they make me fart, 

smelly out of my ar*se

But deep  from the heart "

That took me at least.um.....20 seconds  or less to think of,  LOL 

*I cooked up some onions for our burgers for tea*

HS

 

 

I like onions cause they give me gas 

If you wanna know more just listen to my ass

Beans do the same 

but no ones to blame

just mother nature playing her dirty little game. 

[chuck123wapati]

verse two 

i love beans they also give me gas

if you want to know how much just listen to my ass

i ate some beans and went to bed.

when the wife threw back the covers she thought that i was dead.

[Handstitched]

8 hours ago, chuck123wapati said:

when the wife threw back the covers she thought that i was dead

Farts keep us warm in bed  , just don't lift the covers ...or light a match lol 

[tsunkasapa]

My wife's grandfather used to say "A farting horse will never tire, a farting man is the one to hire."

[fredk]

Just think; someone's therapist knows all about you  

[Sheilajeanne]

Can't...stop...laughing!!   (Yes, I'm a John Denver fan...)