2024, for fun

[Sheilajeanne]

This (I'm paraphrasing, as I don't have the exact wording in front of me) is a court transcript from a case in the United States.

Lawyer: Could you please describe the person you saw coming out of the house on the night  Mr. X was killed?

Witness: They were about 5' 9" tall, and had a short, dark beard and medium build. They were wearing a black bomber style jacket, and light coloured pants."

Lawyer: And was this person male or female?

Witness: Well, unless the circus was in town, I'm gonna go with male...  

Edited January 31, 2024 by Sheilajeanne

[fredk]

I remember reading this many years ago

At inquest. 

Lawyer to doctor; 'Did you perform the autopsy?'

Doctor; 'yes'

Lawyer; 'And was Mr ... dead at this time?'

Doctor; 'I usually don't do autopsies on living subjects'

[Sheilajeanne]

Apologies for one-upping you, Fred, but I used to have the book these were all taken from, and both yours and this one were in it, also the one I posted above!

Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"

Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."

Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"

Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

Oh, da burrrnn!! :D

[Sheilajeanne]

The author has written two books about funny exchanges in the courtroom. I think the one I had was the first one - I seem to remember the picture of the two guys fencing on the cover.

https://www.amazon.ca/Law-Disorder-Absurdly-Moments-Courts/dp/0393349535

[bladegrinder]

Two blondes are out at a farm. The one blonde is sitting in a row boat in the middle of a corn field, the other blond yells at her…what are doing out there in a boat? Get back here, we have work to do. The blond in the boat starts yelling and cussing at her. The other blonde near the farm house yells, if I could swim I’d come out there and smack you silly!

[Gosut]

I never see my preacher's eyes

He hides their light divine. 

For when he prays he closes his,

And when he preaches, mine.

[Sheilajeanne]

Well, his wife might have something to say about that... 

 

Edited February 24, 2024 by Sheilajeanne

[Gosut]

When a coworker nudged me at a meeting, I was glad I didn't say "Amen!"

[Sheilajeanne]

LOL!

[Sheilajeanne]

A good Canadian joke:

 

Two priests died at the same time, and met Peter at the Pearly Gates.

 

St. Peter said, "I'd like to let you guys in now, but our computer's down, and we can't get it fixed right away.

You will have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. What will it be?"

 

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, flying high over the mountains!"

 

"So be it," says Peter, and off flies the first priest.

 

The second priest mulls it over for a minute, then says, "Will any of this week count towards my salvation?"

 

"No" says St. Pete, "I told you, the computer's down, and there's no way we can keep track of what you are doing."

 

"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud!"

 

"So be it!" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

 

A week goes by, the computer gets fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" he asks.

 

"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."

"Why?" asks the Lord.

"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in Saskatchewan!"

 

  Bet you didn't see that one coming!   

 

Edited March 9, 2024 by Sheilajeanne