toxo Posted March 31 Report Posted March 31 2 hours ago, fredk said: "Shoplifting?!?" the others say in astonishment "Well the bomb did lift the shop about fifty feet in the air" I had a shopfitting company and the Northern Ireland rep tried to do a job with local labour that should have come to me. They ran into a big problem and I got a call to fly out to Portadown the next day. Was a bit scary. Everything had cages on the windows But I got the job done. The shop was called "Super Crazy Prices" and two weeks later it was blown up. Quote
Members Sheilajeanne Posted March 31 Members Report Posted March 31 (edited) An Englishman was hired by a lorry company to do deliveries. Sometimes this involved taking the ferry to Ireland. One day as he was driving along the road in a rural area of the country, his truck broke down. He tried to get it going, but finally decided he was going to have to walk to the nearest town to get help. (Yes, this was quite a few years ago...no cell phones!) Eventually, a farmer came by, driving a wagon pulled by a donkey. He had some animals crated on the wagon he was taking to market, and asked the Englishman if he'd like a ride. The Englishman was reluctant at first, but it was a hot day and his feet were getting sore, so he said yes. The donkey plodded along until they came to an intersection. A car came speeding through the intersection and smashed into the cart, then sped away. The farmer was thrown clear of the cart, and was unhurt, but the Englishman and all the animals were much the worse for wear. Sadly, the farmer examined his animals. "Oh me poor pig," he said, 'yer ribs are all stove in - no way I'll be able to sell you at the market now!" He pulled a shotgun out from amidst the wreckage, and used it to put the pig out of its misery. Next, he looked at his donkey. The animal was tangled in the harness, and one of its legs was obviously badly broken. "Ah, you poor thing - well there's no fixin' a broken leg..." and BANG, he shot the donkey. Then, he came to the Englishman, who was lying in the ditch. He had a large cut on his forehead, and one arm was hanging at an odd angle. "Are ye all right, mister?" The Englishman looked at the shotgun in the man's hand, then at the two dead animals. "I've never felt better in my life!" he replied. Edited March 31 by Sheilajeanne Quote
Contributing Member fredk Posted March 31 Author Contributing Member Report Posted March 31 Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd raiding an off licence Daffy - Is this Whiskey? Elmer - Yeth, but not ath whiskey ath wobbing a bank..... Quote Al speling misteaks aer all mi own werk..
Contributing Member fredk Posted April 1 Author Contributing Member Report Posted April 1 Cows never listen to instructions You tell them to do something and it goes in one ear and out the udder Quote Al speling misteaks aer all mi own werk..
toxo Posted April 1 Report Posted April 1 Oh we're really regressing are we! Two cows in a field. One says to other "What do you think about this mad cow disease?" Other cow said "Doesn't apply to me, I'm a duck ". Quote
CFM chuck123wapati Posted April 1 CFM Report Posted April 1 9 hours ago, fredk said: Cows never listen to instructions You tell them to do something and it goes in one ear and out the udder Never trust a pig they'll squeal on you every time. Quote Worked in a prison for 30 years if I aint shiny every time I comment its no big deal, I just don't wave pompoms. “I won’t be wronged, I won’t be insulted, and I won’t be laid a hand on. I don’t do these things to other people, and I require the same from them.” THE DUKE!
toxo Posted April 1 Report Posted April 1 Chinese dustman knocks on the door of a house. A bronzed hunk of a man answers and the dustman says Where you bin? The man says, I've been in Hawaii, do you like my tan? Dustman says Naw naw naw, where you wheelie bin? The man says ok I lied, I've been on the sunbed. Quote
Contributing Member fredk Posted April 1 Author Contributing Member Report Posted April 1 3000 beeves suddenly stampeded Near the back one beeve asked another 'What are we running for?" The second beeve says 'Well, I don't know about you but I'm running for Cancer Research' Quote Al speling misteaks aer all mi own werk..
Members Cattledude Posted April 2 Members Report Posted April 2 Cows kill more people than sharks! ( cows don’t kill sharks ) Quote
Members Sheilajeanne Posted April 4 Members Report Posted April 4 Went to the doctor the other day with a suspicious looking mole. He said they all look like that, and I should have left him in the garden! Quote
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