Jokes for 2023

[fredk]

that is chronic

[rileymuk]

On 6/25/2023 at 3:55 PM, fredk said:

One of my wife's aunts, named Elsie, was a tax collector. She stood about 5ft 2, was very 'rotund' and within the family a very quite and pleasant person, A 'sweet' lady - the 'aunt' you always wanted. But when she was on a case she was a real bulldog. Another aunt worked with her in the tax office, but just on paperwork. She told us that whenever a tough case came up the message went around 'Send in Elsie!'  Although she was based in Belfast, N.I. all the other UK tax offices would send for her. One of her famous cases was getting £50,000 in back taxes off a farmer who claimed poverty and unable to pay. She got the money in cash from the money he kept in a bed mattress in a spare room

hahahahhahahha

[Sheilajeanne]

After 13 years, I have FINALLY bought a new computer. My old HP still works okay, but it's very slow to get running in the morning, and occasionally freezes up on me. So, having been thoughtfully provided with some spare cash from the government because I finally got my tax returns caught up, I decided it was time.

Anyway, as I transfer stuff from the new to the old, I came across this from an old e-mail and with Christmas fast approaching decided to share! 

To Whom it May Concern:

Mrs. Claus and I regret to inform you that effective immediately, I will no
longer be able to service the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due
to overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was
renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only
certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan.

As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and
cookies so keep that in mind.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your
local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side
of the family is from the South pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys
to all the good boys and girls. However, there are a few
differences between us, including:

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus.
He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys
insured by Smith & Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave a RC
Cola and peanut patty (or a Moon Pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't
smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit
can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead
of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one
time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen..." when Bubba
Claus arrives. Instead you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and
LaBonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliot and Petty."

5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to
hear Bubba's elves reply, "I her'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a
Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words, "Back Off!"

7. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the
wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents
under the tree.

8. Bubba Claus refuses to wear the standard issue Santa cap because he says
it makes him look like a girly-boy. He has been granted permission to wear a
white Stetson with a red band instead, as well as black cowboy boots.

Sincerely Yours,

Santa Claus
(Member, North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)
 

 

[chuck123wapati]

 

You know why you cant find rednecks in Canada.....

Because you cant find a decent Beer, a home cooked meal, an intelligent conversation, or a warm piece of ass in the whole country.

[Sheilajeanne]

Leatherworkers should get this one pretty quickly: 

 

[chuck123wapati]

[Sheilajeanne]

My mom has a lead foot, so I was not surprised when a Highway Patrol Officer pulled her over as she was driving through Alabama.

Hoping to get off with a warning, Mom tried to appear shocked when he walked up to the car.

"I have never been stopped like this before," she said to the officer.

"What do they usually do, ma'am," he asked, "shoot the tires out?"

 

[Sheilajeanne]

Okay, I need to know - do websites in the U.K. use biscuits instead of cookies?  

[Sheilajeanne]

 

[chuck123wapati]

beware of following the masses, sometimes the m is missing.

[Northmount]

Time for a new thread Jokes for 2024.  Who is going to start it up?