Paraprosdokians are figures of speech

[LatigoAmigo]

Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and is frequently humorous. Apparently, Winston Churchill loved them.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you... but it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up -- we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says "In case of an emergency, notify..." I answered "a doctor."

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

[fredk]

* LIKE *

[billybopp]

LOL!  That's awesome.  Reminds me of my Dad, who used to say "I thought I was wrong once, but then I found out I was mistaken about that".

- Bill

[K5HEP]

Here are a few that I have collected over the years - there may be a duplicate or two with the above...

 

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.

We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?

[chuck123wapati]

Why does a house burn down but everything in it burns up? 

Edited March 19, 2021 by chuck123wapati

[Mulesaw]

This really made my day :-)

The only one I can think of was a coworker who once told me that 

- If you can't do anything else, you can always be a bad example.

[fredk]

If at first you don't succeed, try again, . . . . then give up

[rednev]

If at first you don't succeed ...sky diving is not for you

[toxo]

I started my business with nothing.... and I've still got most of it!

[fredk]

A man is not complete until he's married

then he's finished!

[Ferg]

Love 'em!

Ferg

[billybopp]

When I die I want to go nice and quiet in my sleep just like dear old grandpa.   Not yelling and screaming like his passengers.

- Bill

[chuck123wapati]

If you want to find the fastest and easiest way to do something get the laziest person in the shop to do it.

[billybopp]

17 hours ago, chuck123wapati said:

If you want to find the fastest and easiest way to do something get the laziest person in the shop to do it.

There's actually a lot of truth in that one when that person also has a "work smarter not harder" mindset.

- Bill

[Spyros]

I never heard of that word "paraprosdokian" before... but I am Greek so it's easy to deconstruct it, it's a compound word which literally means "contrary to what you'd expect"

which makes sense I guess.